Sunday, July 27, 2008

Can celibacy go on too long?

Friends, this is a question I'm asking myself now. How long is too long to not be in a love relationship? Can you get too comfortable being alone?

Here's where a little sexual anorexia could creep in if you're not careful. If you forget about being sensually celibate, your sexuality might slip into a deep freeze. That's not good.

Let's say you're no longer feeling desperate about being single. You've done all the hard heart work, and you're feeling pretty peaceful. With casualties of love falling all around you, you're feeling pleased with yourself. At least you're no longer riding that love roller coaster, thank God.

Then one day, a really good looking man walks by. You do a double take. Your heart skips a beat (forgot that was even there). Oooo, he's cute. No, not cute. He's fine in that mature, confident, manly man kind of way. What do you do? Hope he strikes up a conversation? Or do you simply remember that you're not made of stone after all and keep stepping?

This happened to me recently. I'm sorry to say, I let the brother walk on by. Shy by nature, I at least mustered the courage to return his smile and say "good morning."

Preaching to myself: never never get so comfortable that you close your heart to the possibilities that life offers. Never never view the present with the eyes of the past. What happened is dead and gone. Bless it, release it, and learn from it. Be wise, but let your heart open, let it blossom like a flower. Be joyful. And by all means, girl, learn how to flirt again :)

Friday, July 25, 2008

Judge not

It's really easy if you're practicing celibacy to look down on other single women who don't.

It's also tempting for sexually active women to look down on women who make the celibacy choice.

Can't we all just get along? Isn't it really about making the right choice for you?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Celibacy how-to from Old Christine

I was watching a rerun of The New Adventures of Old Christine last night and was surprised to find that even Old Christine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) found a brief moment of celibacy useful.

The story is about Christine's serious attraction to the gorgeous Daniel Harris (a.k.a. Blair Underwood, sigh). Not wanting to blow a good thing, they decide to develop a friendship before having sex.

Christine's alternative to cold showers? The "hair chastity belt." Basically, this involves not shaving. If you don't shave, you don't want anyone to see you naked, that's for sure.

You've gotta admit, that's pretty creative.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Prevent accidental sex

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among them is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." - P.J. O'Rourke

Sexy car (oh baby!)

Why is this 2008 Tesla Roadster so sexy? Because it's 100% electric! Down with big oil! (Source)

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Usher on fatherhood

Like Barack and Jesse, Sr., R&B star Usher grew up without his biological father. Here's what he had to say in Essence magazine when asked, "What is living right as a father?":

That man would accept his responsibilities as a father, regardless of whether he was with the mother of the child. Men will leave a situation for several reasons. One, it's not comfortable. It may be violent. The two of you may grow apart. But you should never abandon that responsibility, which is to be there, reading with your child, being supportive of your child's growth. That is communicating. That is making the choice to put your child before your own vanity.


I was raised by a great father, a true Southern gentleman. In fact, I wrote a story about us cooking a pot of black-eyed peas in my book Black-Eyed Peas for the Soul.

I know many good men who, whether married or single, have been great fathers to their children. My business partner, Alfred "Coach" Powell, is not only a great father to his own children, but he's been like a father to my daughter and other children in the community who haven't been blessed to have dad around. My brother-in-law, Reuben Miller, is another father at-large to my daughter, my niece, children at his church, and many incarcerated young men.

I could go on and on with examples.

These are the real men of the community and nation. They are unsung but heroes nonetheless. They receive no praise, no recognition in the media, yet they keep on keeping on. No, it sometimes doesn't work out with the mother, but a real man stays connected with his children in a real way. (Source)

Friday, July 11, 2008

Celeb teens pledge to abstain until marriage

Thanks to Rachel from who sent me a note about Disney stars Selena Gomez and the Jonas Brothers vowing to abstain from sex until marriage. It's refreshing to read about teens who are at least trying to wait.

15 year-old Selena says, "I'm going to keep my promise to myself, to my family and to God."

The Jonas Brothers (Kevin-20, Joe-18, and Nick-15) wear promise rings to prove their virginity and intention to wait. Joe says the rings signify their "promises to ourselves and to God that we'll stay pure till marriage."

I'm not crazy about the word "pure." It puts down victims of sexual molestation and those who have not made the choice to abstain. But I love what these teens are doing. I hope their millions of tween and teen fans are paying attention.

And yes, dear skeptics, I know other teen stars have broken their pledges in the past, but give the kids a break! They may slip, or maybe they'll achieve their goal. Celebrity kids should be allowed to make their life choices and mistakes like everyone else.

By the way, are your tweens and teens dealing with some heavy relationship issues? Contact me at to get your copies of Girlfriends Diary #1 and Journal for Young Men #1 (Real Talk, Real Thoughts About Love, Relationships & Sex). These guided journals are abstinence based. If you have teens and tweens at home, if you're a teacher, a minister, a guidance counselor, or someone who works with kids in the community, these books will help make your job much easier. Teachers: they're also great for writing exercises.

Soon I'm going to put a cart on the site to make it simple and easy to purchase the journals and Sensual Celibacy. Thanks for your patience!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Fatherhood: Jesse vs. Barack

For me, the "hot mic" comments of Jesse Jackson, Sr. were less about vulgarity than about the land mine that is fatherhood in the African American community and the rest of the country.

The inability of so many couples to last has caused a pandemic of single motherhood. I'm surely a statistic.

Need I mention that sensual celibacy could go a long way in preventing single parenting, being a responsible single parent, and being a great role model for your children?

Now I know single fathers who had full custody and did a tremendous job with their children. But for the most part, the mother is usually responsible.

If the breakup was hostile, some fathers stop participating in their children's lives altogether. They just drop out. Apparently the bad feelings the father has for the mother extends to the children. So the children feel abandoned, and the mothers have the difficult task of raising children alone.

I've long struggled to understand how a man can do this to his children.

The Jesse-Barack confrontation is symbolic of how divided men also feel about the issue. Barack feels men need to step up to the plate and be responsible fathers.

Jesse, on the other hand -- well, I really don't know what he thinks, except he'd like to castrate Barack for challenging men to be responsible fathers. What seems like a no brainer to me and Barack is not so with Jesse and other men like him.

Thank God for the good men out there who are great fathers and role models to their children, regardless of the situation with the mother. That's what fatherhood is all about.

Strange sex news

Indonesia is mourning the death of Mak Erot, or as I like to call her, The Penis Lengthener. Yes, friends, though the journey was hard and long (or maybe not so long), men from all over Indonesia came to this wonder worker to have their mini me's elongated. Her use of Islamic prayers and herbs made believers out of many.

R.I.P. Mak Erot.


Monday, July 7, 2008

Lessons from a 41 year old swimming champion

Everybody's talking about Dara Torres today. She's the amazing swimmer who, at 41 years old, won the 50- and 100-meter freestyles to nail her spot on her fifth Olympic team.

Matt Lauer asked her, "So what's your secret?"

I thought she was going to say the usual stuff, but she said 2 things that surprised me.

She said, "I know how to recover, and that's important at my age." She was talking physically, but what great words of wisdom for anyone dealing with stressful situations. If you master the art of recovery, you're going to be okay. (Hear that, single folks?)

The second thing she said was even deeper. She said, "The water doesn't know how old you are." Wow!

I really needed to hear that because in 3 months I'm turning 50, and I'm a little nervous. I'm beginning to feel my mortality.

But if you think of the water as a metaphor for life, it really doesn't matter how old you are. You can do anything you want to do as long as you're willing to dedicate the necessary time and effort.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Fireworks (hmmm...)

A 4th of July celibacy question: what do fireworks remind you of?

Isn't it interesting how celibacy often leads to tantalizing thoughts of you know what?

Happy 4th!!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Single mama, where oh where did your inner sex kitten go?

If ever there was a group who needs to activate their inner sexy it’s single moms. Theoretically, married moms are getting at least some attention from their husbands, but how’s a single, celibate mom to find hers?

First, let’s state where she shouldn’t be looking. The untold story of single moms is that they often look to their children, specifically their sons, for attention. No, it’s not consciously sexual (at least it shouldn’t be, sicko), but the need for attention can cross over into unacceptable realms
  • If you’ve ever told your son that his truly lovely girlfriend wasn’t good enough for him, you may need to detach and get a life.
  • If you’re constantly flirting with your teen son’s friends, you need a new circle of friends. That’s inappropriate.
  • If you find yourself sharing intimate details of your former sexual relationships with your children, quit it. You’re grossing them out.

Bottom line, you need to be clear in your mind about the boundaries separating you as an adult woman with sexual needs and you as a mama.

So what about that inner sex kitten? Well, in a perfect world, a smoky look across a crowded room can activate that inner sexy. But if you’re not in a consistent, dependable relationship, relying on casual hook-ups is too much of a distraction from parenting. So, until someone serious comes along, you must look to yourself.

Don’t feel bad. Actually, the more your sexiness comes from within, the stronger your self-esteem. The stronger your self-esteem, the more likely you’ll be able to tell the predators from those truly worthy of your time and attention.

I know I say this all the time, but pampering is an absolute must. Time out for self and adult relationships is critical to sanity. You need to get away from those kids every once in a while!

If sexy is too strong a word for you right now, think sensual. Don’t neglect the things in life that give you sensual pleasure. For example, every once in a while I buy myself flowers. Every time I look at them, I feel a rush of pleasure and satisfaction. Adding touches of sensual beauty in our homes, offices, even cars can go a long way.

How about wearing sexy lingerie or making your bed with soft, satin sheets?

I’ve recently rediscovered Fannie Mae candies, and let me tell you, there are few things on earth more delightful (and medicating) than a walnut covered in dark chocolate. With a glass of wine, that's heaven.

If you’ve forgotten what sex is even about, a lightweight trashy novel might be fun. But this is only for advanced celibates who can handle it and won’t be tempted to go out and have accidental sex.

I’m always looking for fun, sensual ways to keep the inner sexy purring. If you have any creative ideas, drop us a line at