Sensual Celibacy

So long, friends

2009-08-27T09:46:00.000-07:00

I've enjoyed sharing my thoughts about celibacy, the taboo subject, with you. My book, Sensual Celibacy, sells on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com and has, in fact, become sort of a classic in the field. Buy a copy for yourself or friends who may be going through a breakup or who just need to know that they're not crazy for going against the social grain. And for all of you who desire a healthy love relationship that includes passionate, mind blowing sex, go for it!

xoxoxo
Donna Marie

R.I.P. Michael

2009-06-25T18:42:00.000-07:00

A sad day for those of us who grew up with and loved Michael and the Jackson 5. May your transition be full of love and light.

"Another Part Of Me"

We're Takin' Over
We Have The Truth
This Is The Mission
To See It Through

Don't Point Your Finger
Not Dangerous
This Is Our Planet
You're One Of Us

We're Sendin' Out
A Major Love
And This Is Our
Message To You
(Message To You)
The Planets Are Linin' Up
We're Bringin' Brighter Days
They're All In Line
Waitin' For You
Can't You See . . .?
You're Just Another Part Of Me . .

A Rather Nation
Fulfill The Truth
The Final Message
We're Bring To You
There Is No Danger
Fulfill The Truth
So Come Together
We're Mean Is You

We're Sendin' Out
A Major Love
And This Is Our
Message To You
(Message To You)
The Planets Are Linin' Up
We're Bringin' Brighter Days
They're All In Line
Waitin' For You
So Look The Truth
You're Just Another Part Of Me . .

We're Sendin' Out
A Major Love
And This Is Our
Message To You
(Message To You)
The Planets Are Linin' Up
We're Bringin' Brighter Days
They're All In Line
Waitin' For You
Can't You See . . .?
You're Just Another Part Of Me
Another Part Of Me . .

We're Takin' Over
This Is The Truth, Baby
Another Part Of Me

SugarStrings cuties

2009-02-14T05:16:00.000-08:00

Tom Strini, the music critic from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, writes in "Those adorable Sugar Strings," "Three little teen and pre-teen sweethearts, decked out in improbable, matching debutante ball gowns, played violin, viola and cello during intermission at the Feb. 6 Milwaukee Symphony concert. They couldn't have been cuter, and they played one Baroque dance after another with bracing energy, rhythmic verve and utter confidence." Source

What does this have to do with Sensual Celibacy? Well, as mother of cellist Ayanna (and auntie of Mira and Ade'), I decided long ago that in order to be a better mother, I'd have to give up the bad relationships with men. They were too much of a distraction. I decided that until someone came along who was serious about me, I'd practice celibacy. That way I could focus on the good things in my life vs. being distracted by the bad. I'm not saying it's been easy, but it's the best decision I've ever made.

To listen to the sweet music of SugarStrings, click here

www.sugarstrings.com

SugarStrings: Someone You Should Know (ABC/7)

2009-02-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I've been gone for awhile, but I just had to check in and let you know about my daughter and nieces and their music trio -- SugarStrings.

They were featured on Harry Porterfield's "Someone You Should Know" segment on ABC/7 (Chicago).

Yesterday they performed at HBCU night at the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra.

Hopes, dreams, wishes, goals:

-- Children's concert at the White House (after all, they too are from the South Side of Chicago)
-- Musical ambassadors to the world for the City of Chicago

Hey, it will happen!

Click here to listen. Enjoy!

Sex advice: celibacy!

2008-11-14T15:33:00.000-08:00

I know, it sounds crazy, but celibacy is a perfectly legitimate practice to consider when dealing with sexual issues. There will be times in your life when you might just want (or need) a break. Sensual celibacy is about deciding when to begin and end a term of celibacy. Sensuality makes the practice enjoyable -- maybe not as hot as sex, but sweet nevertheless.

In fact, Sensual Celibacy was mentioned in The Times (UK) in the article, "Sex advice: ten things you need to know before you become celibate." Suzi Godson says that although my book is aimed at women, it's "relevant for men too."

The View: Is born again virginity realistic?

2008-11-14T15:18:00.000-08:00

Friends, I have to be honest. I never did get the whole born again virginity movement. If it helps you, then great, but for me, it would only be pretending to be someone I'm not. All my sexual experiences, along with everything else that has happened to me over the years, made me what I am today.

On the other hand, I can totally understand born again virginity if the woman was raped or a victim of incest. If anyone deserves a fresh slate, these women do.

Anyway, the women of The View had an interesting discussion about the movement. You be the judge.

The View

A GPS tracking system for your chastity belt (LOL)

2008-11-03T14:41:00.000-08:00

Can you believe this new product ~ high tech chastity belts! The line, by Lucia Lorio, is called "Find Me If You Can." The underwear has embedded GPS uplinking units that a partner can track.

"'It is outrageous to think that men can buy this, programme it and give it to their partners and then monitor them,'" said Claudia Burghart, leader of a Berlin feminist group.

Oooo, how sexy. You've got a big hunk of machinery in your drawers!

Who would be fool enough to give a man that much power over them?

At $800 to $1100 and with the current economic crisis, that's sure some overpriced kinkiness!

Look, Amazon.com is selling my book Sensual Celibacy for a whole lot cheaper than some stupid mechanical underwear. Buy a copy today for a nice, sensual, no tech prevention aid!

Source

She's proud to be a 36-year old virgin (hmmm...)

2008-11-03T14:19:00.000-08:00

I read this article about Charlotte Baird and nearly fell off my chair. I don't know any adult who hasn't tried sex at least once, so I can't quite wrap my brain around someone who's gone so long without even kissing a guy.

Whew.

Charlotte says she's taking a moral stand, and maybe I should accept her at face value. But I have to wonder if this is morality or sexual anorexia talking.

Some people just have a low (very low) sex drive. Some are asexual. Some could care less.

If Charlotte falls into any of those categories, then not having sex isn't a big deal. It's those of us who want a sexual relationship but make a decision to table sex until the situation is right that's making the courageous stand.

In the article, Charlotte discusses the idea of "preserving" herself until marriage. When I think of preserving, I think of pickling fruits and vegetables so they don't spoil. For some reason, I also think about trees in a petrified forest.

Maybe it's me. I admit I have strange notions sometimes.

At 50 years, I don't feel the need to preserve myself. I don't see my sex as being all that precious. During my childbearing years, it was, but now my heart is precious. I have a huge capacity to love and that has gotten me into trouble more times than I can count. My sex just happens to be connected to my heart, so celibacy works for someone strange like me.

I wonder how deeply a love can go when sex is not in the picture. That may sound strange coming from someone who practices celibacy, but I must admit, sex is always somewhere in my consciousness, especially if I'm talking to a man, out with a man, or thinking about a man. I wonder about him, what he looks like (down there) and how he kisses and makes love. I can't help it. I've wondered that about preachers from the pulpit and certain political figures. Maybe it's the old "don't think about elephants" and then all you can do is think about elephants. You want what you feel deprived of.

I don't like to knock anyone. I try and practice tolerance in all things. So I'll just say that I don't get being fully grown and a committed virgin. I do understand being grown, having sex with men who are no good for you, and then becoming wise through sensual celibacy!

Source

Off topic: race and the presidential race

2008-11-01T07:43:00.001-07:00

Friends, in this blog about our sexuality, we may laugh, we may cry. But one thing's for sure, we have the right to state how we feel, no matter how controversial. Thank God for that freedom.

Over the past 8 years, I've stood idly by as our freedoms eroded under the Bush & Co. cabal. No more. Sometimes you've got to take a stand and state what you believe.

My sister sent the following video to me, and I nearly cried. As an African American woman of now 50 years, I've watched the tide of racism crest and fall over the years. But never have I seen such a blatant profusion of racism as now, during the presidential campaign of a bi-racial man named Barack Obama.

Just when I thought all was lost and there was no hope for peace between blacks and whites, this video came along to restore my hope. Some are predicting blood in the streets after the election because no matter what, some group will be pissed off with the outcome. But if Richard Trumka speaks for many, then we may be okay. My prayer is that no matter who wins, we can behave like civilized people and get busy with cleaning up the mess created by that Bush guy.

Richard Trumka, AFL-CIO

AIDS and "A Miracle of Love"

2008-10-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

Some time ago I posted an email from a Minister Anthony J. Cox, in which he reveals that he contracted HIV and now has full blown AIDS. The letter has since spread like wildfire across the net.

I have searched for more information about the minister, but so far, I haven't found anything. I don't know if the man is real or made up. I don't know if the letter reveals truth or myth. But it's a cautionary tale for our times, so true or not, I made the decision to post on this blog. Given my focus on abstinence, I thought it was worth the space, and I still do.

Ironically, years ago I came across a story (one that I can vouch for) about another minister who contracted AIDS. My mother's pastor, JoAnn Long of New Covenant Life Church in Chicago, openly shares the sad tale of her husband contracting and dying of the disease. It's such an amazing story of love, forgiveness, and believe it or not, happy endings, that I just had to include it in my book, Black-Eyed Peas for the Soul. It's one of the most popular stories in the book.

So as I attempt to locate the elusive Minister Anthony J. Cox, I'd like to share an excerpt of Pastor Long's story, "A Miracle of Love." For the complete story and other great inspirational tales, buy a copy of Black-Eyed Peas for the Soul at Amazon.com!

____________________

A Miracle of Love
JoAnn Long

It was the 1980s and the AIDS virus discovery and exposure were yet new in our community and I was walking through my valley of the shadow of death and fearing the evil. Truthfully speaking, I felt more like I was crawling through it. Nevertheless, I was moving, determined to get through.

My husband, Tracy, was in the hospital fighting for his life and the doctor's report of his condition was resounding over and over again in my mind. It was not good: HIV positive and its possible/likely fatal outcome -- the statistics! The specialists in his field could not offer us any hope and expressed grave concern for me.

Hurting and angry, I questioned how I could be confronted with such a monumental situation which was bigger than life, an intrusion, an invasion of my private world, my home, marriage, and family. I thought, surely not my husband -- not me! Why me?

I was filled with shock and grief. I waited for something more to be said -- some explanation, perhaps. Something! It did not come. I was not really prepared for this, I thought. Then, as if someone had pushed a video replay button, I began to hear words of advice that had been spoken to my parents approximately 20 years ago as I was coming of age. It was a different time, a different setting, but those words began to replay in my mind even louder than the hopelessness of the doctor's words and the fear of the situation -- what I was feeling.

This is the wise counsel of that individual. She said that as my parents let go, I would develop and mature as a beautiful woman. She perceived that even as a child, I flourished under pressure best when I was not petted, pampered, or smothered with needless pity or sympathy. Through difficulties, I would draw from my own resources and make it.

As I remembered these words, I not only drew strength from within, but I discovered I had the courage to embrace my destiny. What I encountered, experienced, and lived through leaves me awestruck even to this day.

November 1986, Tracy LaMar Allen died. After his death, I experienced loneliness such as one could never even imagine. Our courtship and marriage was a sum total of twenty-five years filled with joys and trials; struggles and successes, good days and bad (so many of the bad days toward the end). He had chosen to live part of his life anonymously as a bisexual (functioning as both and with both: male and female). The confirmed news of this, as well as the consequences thereof was devastating to him, our families, and me.

My husband was a minister -- double jeopardy! After discovering the truth, learning of his life of anonymity during his illness, I acquiesced to his request not to share what was happening with family and others for the sake of the children and the church, and to avoid further embarrassment and ridicule. I loved him. I respected his individuality and privacy. He made a futile attempt to protect me and our children by choosing to die incognito, but the news got out and I was accused of not turning state's evidence and supporting him in a lifestyle that constituted double standards. I lost much physically, socially, materially. And, oh, the pain!

During that time of aloneness and loneliness, once again the video replay button was pushed and I remembered during meditation that prior to all of this happening, I had been given the assurances of marriage -- a good marriage. A whole marriage was part of my great destiny.

I was back and I was ready to make a comeback. The only way I knew to make a comeback was to go on. Slowly but surely, I began to accept speaking engagements, seminars, workshops, etc.

Then it happened! One Saturday afternoon in 1989 while speaking to the Midwest Clergy Association, I met the man I was to marry -- my future husband, though I did not know it at the time. He had observed and admired me, asking for an introduction. From our first meeting, which was so coincidental to me, and during the occasional times of our being together, I found myself filled with a whole succession of emotions -- amazement (more at myself than him), excitement, fear, joy, love.

We were married June 1990, and one of the most endearing gifts that John gave to me at our wedding ceremony was tears. His impassioned, genuine tears flowed unabashedly from his eyes and down his face as I walked down the aisle and into his arms at the altar as his bride. Later, in our honeymoon suite, he told me that his heart was overwhelmed with love and joy to find such a virtuous woman, that I was so beautiful as his bride, and how much he loved me.

Often I hear, "How did you meet him?" "You are married to such a good man." "Where did he come from?"

In the Gospel according to St. John, chapter one, verse six, you will read these words: "There was a man sent from God, whose name was John."

Sex toys at the club

2008-10-21T15:37:00.001-07:00

Friends, I went out on a date last Friday, and for a woman practicing celibacy, it was quite an experience, let me tell you.

The guy was decent. He wasn't the problem. It was the culture of the club.

It's been a long time since I went to a club, much less to hear some comedy. I was actually looking forward to it.

While we were waiting for the show to begin, I noticed that on the table next to us, a vendor was selling her wares. So to kill time, I went over to look. Guess what...

Sex toys. Uh huh.

I had to laugh, but I was so embarrassed. My date said something like, "See anything over there you want?" I looked at him like he was crazy.

Then the comedy show began. Oh Lord. From the first comic to the last, it was all about sex. There was even a special needs guy with MS or MD or something. Anyway, he disclosed way too much information about bodily functions while in the bed with "normal" women. (Although the bit about inviting women to date him because he gets disability checks was funny in a sad way.)

I actually like a good sex joke, but it's got to have some intelligence to it. There's got to be more than just, well, sex. There's got to be some deep (but funny) philosophical insights about the way men and women relate.

The next day, my date called and asked what I thought. I was honest. I told him I had expected more from African American comics. I wanted Dave Chappelle or DL Hughley or Chris Rock. People are hurting from the economic mess. I wanted to laugh about that.

I need comics to help me put the bad stuff into perspective. In fact, I love a man with a good sense of humor, someone who can be deep and philosophical but crazy, too. Hey, that's going on my wish list. Is that too much to ask?

Celibacy brings freedom

2008-10-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

My last post was about the power of celibacy. Today I feel compelled to write about freedom.

When I was younger, I'm not going to lie, I was a low self-esteem mess. I didn't believe in myself at all, and I surely didn't think I was lovable.

Well today I crossed a threshold, and I must credit my belief in God and my practice in celibacy for having the courage to do so.

There was a time when, if I didn't have a man, I felt completely ashamed. I grew up just when the minds of women where changing. Let's say, we were in transition. We were saying things like, "I'm an independent woman," but deep inside we were terrified to be caught at a restaurant or movie alone.

That fear caused us to make really bad decisions about our love lives. Word to the wise: never make a decision when you're feeling desperate. More accidental sex has occurred during moments of fear and desperation.

Anyway, I must be honest and admit to some residue angst about being alone. I think that residue motivated me to keep a certain man around. Or maybe it was because I needed my feminine ego to be stroked from time to time.

Whatever the reason, something snapped within me today. After just one too many attempts to seduce me despite my consistent declines, I'd had it. I forced him into a deeper conversation about the whole thing. I was rational. I didn't get too emotional. In fact, he was the one who got emotional.

Long story short, he hung up the phone on me. Now he'll probably say, "You know how cell phones are," but I won't believe that bull for a minute. He hung up on me.

And I'm so glad he did.

It's like we always tell our daughters. If the guy really loves you, he'll honor your decision to abstain from sex. I didn't take that advice. I kept trying to have rational discussions with the man about why I chose to abstain, but he'd keep trying to get me into bed. I think I felt flattered.

But not today. Enough was enough.

One day I'll say yes, but this guy wasn't the one.

The power of celibacy

2008-10-16T06:49:00.000-07:00

More than once during my practice of celibacy I’ve thought, “Thank God for celibacy.” Reading Steve Pavlina’s new book, Personal Development for Smart People: The Conscious Pursuit of Personal Growth, helped me clarify why not having sex can be so transformative.

First, let me say that Pavlina’s book is one of the most thoughtful, meditative self-help books I’ve ever read. That’s saying a lot given that I’ve read a ton of self-help books over the years. I’m usually disappointed by the lack of creativity and innovation that goes into most of these books. Mostly they just repeat what others have said before.

I want to read thoughts I’ve never thought before. I want my socks to be knocked off. I love reading books that open up totally new areas of interest in me. Have you ever had a thought that was so daring and new that you just knew it came from the mind of God? That’s what I’m looking for. Unfortunately, those types of books are rare.

However, Personal Development for Smart People comes close. As you read you find yourself having aha! moments along the way. Pavlina’s writing style is easy, but the book is dense with ideas. You can’t skim through this book because every sentence has something different to say. There’s no fluff.

So back to the power of celibacy. Pavlina frames the self development process with three main principles: truth, love, and power. There are more principles (oneness, intelligence, authority, and courage), but my bursts of insight came about when reading about the three principles, specifically power.

Not having sex is powerful because it enables us to reclaim our personal power. When I started having sex as a young woman, I got caught up in the man’s dreams, the man’s demands, the man’s time. I totally lost myself.

Sex is a powerful force, and at the time I couldn’t imagine my life without it. As a result, I made bad decisions around relationships. Because I couldn’t imagine life as a single woman, I settled for less on many occasions.

I remember as clear as day the moment I made the decision to stop the madness. I was in a relationship with a man who was actually decent, but there was too much distance emotionally (partly my fault) and we didn’t click sexually. Well, let’s say he clicked and I didn’t.

After one too many unsatisfying sexual encounters, I snapped. Why was I putting myself through this? I assessed the pros and cons of the relationship. I could only conclude that I was in it just to be with a man. Was that a good enough reason? Shouldn’t there be more?

I mean, I cared about him, but I wasn’t in love with him. We didn’t have children together. We weren’t married. He was chronically broke. He was a decent man, but was that enough?

In a flash I realized it wasn’t. Not only did I not want to be with him, I didn’t want to be with anyone if they couldn’t treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I decided then and there that I was going to practice celibacy until such time that I met a man who cherished me and complimented me.

This was a new and powerful thought for me, because up until then, I’d always allowed my emotions to dictate my relationships. Even just making the decision to practice celibacy opened the door to a long dormant part of me: Donna Marie, meet your personal power.

Since then, celibacy has been a tremendous force for good in my life. As Pavlina says, power is

“…your ability to consciously and deliberately create the world around you. When your power is weak, you can’t effectively satisfy your needs and desires, and you become a victim of your environment. When your power is strong, you successfully cultivate a life of your own choosing, and your environment reflects it.”

Whenever I practice celibacy, my power grows. When you’re in a sexual relationship, it's the power of 2 that dominates. That intimate communication with the other can take you over if you don’t have a clear sense of your own identity (power of 1). When you practice celibacy, you become really clear because you’re on your own.

Ultimately, personal power leads to a strong sense of identity. A strong sense of identity will empower you to have better relationships, more loving, more authentic, and definitely sexier -- and that's what we want, right?

Pavlina says that some of the blocks to personal power are timidity, cowardice, and negative conditioning. So true. This is why so many people end up having accidental sex and saying, “I don’t know what happened. It just happened! See, what had happened was…”

How to build power during celibacy? Pavlina suggests, among other things, mastering the first hour. I remember when I first started Weight Watchers, I created a habit of praying, eating a good breakfast, taking my vitamins, and exercising during the first part of the morning. It laid a good foundation for the rest of the day.

For people practicing celibacy, mastering the last hour might make more sense. For it’s bed time that’s the most challenging. When you’re in a sexual relationship, the bed is where all the action takes place. I’ll never forget in one of my workshops a woman asked, “But how do I deal with going to bed at night?” We all knew what she was talking about.

If you're not working with your inner power, it will be too tempting to make booty calls, calls of desperation. You'll be snacking on ice cream all night, or worse, drinking too much and/or doing drugs.

Dealing with loneliness and physical desire is challenging, but this is when your courage and self-discipline must kick in. There are no shortcuts to the process. To help you through it, read my book Sensual Celibacy and definitely Pavlina's Personal Development for Smart People. Put them on your nightstand.

For love or money?

2008-10-10T07:55:00.000-07:00

We all know that 2 of the top reasons why couples split is because of sex and money.

We're seeing a similar split in our society, as reflected in the national campaign for president. Regardless of what the polls may say about who's in the lead, the reality is, the country is split on how to handle the economic mess.

So lately I've been thinking about what I would do if presented a choice between 2 men. Man #1 makes a decent living, and Man #2 is a multi-millionaire.

Let's say I like them both equally, more or less. What would be the deciding factor? Would I chose the multi-millionaire or the middle-class guy? Would it make a difference if I'm making my own money? Would I chose differently during better economic times?

An even better question: Not that I want to be single forever, but I kind of like my single life. Up until now, I've felt that unless a man can offer me a better life than my single one, what's the point?

Would I chose to marry because I was uncertain about my own economic future and I thought one of the men could provide more security and safety for myself and my children?

Is this a moral or practical issue? As a practical issue, can a woman make a decision about love and finances without feeling like a prostitute?

Don't men choose mates based on their belief that a woman will help them build their empire? What's the difference?

Whether wealthy, middle-class, or poor, in a capitalistic society, love and money are intertwined. Back in the day, a woman had few options. She married the man her father told her to marry. Today, we make our own decisions, but are we any smarter about how we go about choosing a mate?

Why is it wrong to consider financial issues along with love and romance? Does that make a woman a gold digger or just smart?

I just made 50 yesterday, and I guess in my older age I'm getting more and more practical, because in my 20's, I would have thought this line of reasoning was an abomination.

Today, I know better. I know how medical issues can make going it alone extremely difficult. Or how the loss of a job can devastate a family if there's no second income to rely on.

One of my suitors and I talked this morning, and he got perturbed because I'm adamant about 2 things in my older age: no sex until marriage (or at the very least a solid contract) and no more broke relationships. I know that sounds cold and calculating, but having married for love and having had sex for love in my younger years I learned that love (or what passes for it) doesn't guarantee that a couple will stay together. But if they have a nest egg and are united in their financial vision (plus love), they stand a good chance.

I wonder, with the economic mess reducing the cash values of pension plans and salaries, how couples will fare.

And I wonder if single women like me will, because of economic hard times, begin to change their approach to love in the future.

Wayne Brady

2008-10-09T07:23:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm actually writing these words, but Wayne Brady's new CD A Long Time Coming is, well, simply spectacular and aptly named.

I'm in shock because Wayne's public persona isn't all that soulful, but this CD lays to rest the idea that he doesn't have a brother bone in his body. It's there, and it has come out in full masculine R&B lusciousness in the songs on this CD.

There was a hint of the brother within, albeit a gangsta version, on the Dave Chappelle show, when he played a really bad guy. Even Dave was scared of him. It's the juxtaposition of that nerdy smile against the villain that grabbed you in that skit.

But in A Long Time Coming, Wayne is a good guy with a voice like butter. Sexy, but not trying to lick me up and down. Just really nice. The tunes have a smooth, retro R&B feel to them. Very musical, unlike most so-called, alleged "tunes" today. My favorite so far is the remake of Stevie Wonder's "All I Do." Makes me feel happy.

In my book Sensual Celibacy, I urge women to take care about the music they listen to when practicing celibacy. Music is a power. Seductive beats combined with sexually explicit lyrics have probably led to more accidental sex and babies than anything.

While this CD is definitely romantic, it's full of joy, something that's definitely lacking in most modern so-called "music."

Wayne, who knew you had it in you?

A highly effective cold shower

2008-10-06T06:41:00.000-07:00

Friends, I don't know about you, but if I'm having panic attacks about money, sex is the farthest thing from my mind.

So if you're struggling with with your celibacy practice and need a stronger dose of sanity than even Sensual Celibacy can provide, try this bit of fearful Argentinian history.

Might Argentina have been the poor canary in the coal mine whose economic song took a decidedly Psycho (scary violins) turn and predicted things to come for the rest of the world?

Instead of worrying about sex today, let's pray.

In fact, have you noticed how, in reporting about the economic mess, the media increasingly uses words like "faith," "confidence," and "fear?" All those technical terms like "derivatives" etc. don't stand a chance against faith, confidence, and fear.

These words tell me that we're the economy. How things go depends on us.

So what will we choose: disaster or a brand new economy that has justice, forgiveness, and mercy baked in?

I began today's entry talking about panic attacks over money, but fear will only reduce the effectiveness of our decision making. More than ever, we need courage.

Just like celibacy must be a choice, we can choose to create a better economy because we are the economy.

No sex today: my taxpayer rescue plan

2008-09-29T17:04:00.000-07:00

Memo to President Bush, the Presidential Candidates, and Members of Congress

From: Citizen Donna Marie Williams

RE: My Taxpayer Rescue Plan

When it comes to the current economic crisis, there is no such thing as a democrat, republican, or independent. As you know, many democrats agree with republicans and vice versa on the best way to resolve this matter.

Partisan politics makes me sick. It's fake. It's about winning the rhetorical debate, not telling the truth. Cut it out.

The Taxpayer Rescue Plan

I'm not an economist or accountant, so I don't know enough to go into a lot of detail about the current economic mess. I do know, though, that the framing of the debate has been all wrong.

You call it a bailout plan when it really should be a taxpayer rescue plan. Only lip service has been paid about the taxpayer (a.k.a. Main Street), when it's the taxpayer who should be the focus of this recovery since it’s taxpayer dollars that’s coming to the rescue.

The taxpayer/consumer is the heart and soul of the economy.

The hell with Wall Street. The hell with Fannie, Freddie, AIG, WaMu, Wachovia, and the others to come down the road. Let them fold or be bought out. It's clear that we're witnessing the greatest flea market in history, and the result will be a consolidation of power. Fewer banks, investment firms, etc. will hold more of our money. I don’t like it, but I get it.

For once, since it's our money, let taxpayers get in on the action. In my plan, the taxpayer is the centerpiece of the recovery. Not the companies, not the banks. Not the privately held Federal Reserve. And definitely not the CEOs and their political cronies. Put them under the jail.

The following are the broad strokes of my taxpayer rescue plan. I’m sure I’ve left some things out, but you guys can sort through the details upon agreement that the premise is sound.

1. Taxpayer dollars must strengthen the following pots: FDIC, social security, Medicare, Medicaid, and public education. I like the idea of raising the FDIC limit on protected accounts to $200,000. The taxpayer must come first.

2. Accountants must go through the books of the failed companies line by line. The purpose of this exercise is to locate and rescue all the pension funds. We must make sure that the pension promises that were made to our parents, grandparents, and future retired selves are kept. No compromise. Allow financial institutions that have been excellent stewards to bid for and take over these pension accounts.

3. If we bail out the failed, corrupt companies (which I don't want to do), then the taxpayer must become a voting shareholder (via referendums?) of the corporations. After a reasonable amount of time, taxpayers will begin to receive dividend checks. For the first time in the history of this country, the wealth will be spread out among the taxpayers as it should be. This is not welfare, socialism, or communism. This is economic reciprocity. If we have to pay, then in due time we must receive a return on our investment.

My approach will take time, but better that than to hurry up and sign a bill that will put future generations in further back-breaking debt. Better that than to pull an arbitrary number ($700 billion) out of thin air. Under my plan, we'll get a handle on how much is truly at risk first, then disburse the funds to minimize taxpayer risk.

4. There must be meticulous oversight of the process. One man cannot be allowed to allocate dollars as he sees fit. Too much money makes psychopaths of us all. Instead, I strongly recommend that a consortium of independent accounting firms takes over the process of assessment, disbursement, oversight, and shareholder/taxpayer payouts. It’s not a perfect system because we know how Arthur Anderson was a player in the Enron mess, but we’ve got to start somewhere. Maybe also include an ethics advising committee of some sort.

5. Yes, predatory subprime lending was a factor in the collapse. It's so easy to blame the working poor and middle class, but what about the fact that housing prices have been overinflated for years? Home ownership is part of the American dream, yet with sky high prices, the working poor and middle class didn't stand a chance until subprime. Take a holistic look at the industry—for example, redlining and the over inflation of property assessments. Many factors go into establishing housing prices, and it's not an exact science. There's a lot of room for creativity, if you know what I mean. Anyone who has attempted to purchase a home knows this to be true. Look into the myriad of practices, not just subprime lending, that has corrupted the entire industry.

6. And another thing: the rules and regulations of the credit industry suck. I hate how, when you're applying for a loan, the mere inquiry goes against your credit rating. You need to fix all those laws that hurt the taxpayer. Also, your corporate benefactors exported most of our manufacturing base overseas. That really didn’t help the situation at all. Not only are they exploiting people in developing nations with slave wages, you let our own people down. And stop selling off our highways and ports. Are you crazy? And why can’t Ford sell their 65 mpg car to U.S. citizens? Is a trade agreement with the Japanese involved? Why is it that only Hollywood celebrities get to drive the coolest green cars? We need the savings more than they do.

I'm acutely aware that my plan will bring more pain and suffering in the short term. Thousands, maybe millions, will lose their jobs. I'm so sorry about that, but that's what happens when a nation makes mammon its god and when we trust psychopaths to handle our money for us.

I truly doubt if the plan Congress is mashing together will save jobs or rescue taxpayer dollars. Why? Because the taxpayer is not the focus. Facilitating the consolidation of corporate power is the focus. At least my plan stands a chance of true economic recovery because the rescue mission is targeted where the true danger lies: within the solvency of the American taxpayer.

As a communications strategist, I've been downsized, laid off, and let go more times than I can count. When it first happened, I was terrified. The last time it happened, I was a homeowner with major surgery pending. I went into foreclosure, then filed chapter 7, which went completely against my moral code, my sense of personal responsibility. As a single mother with two children to take care of, I felt at the time that I had no choice.

I learned in my own personal Great Depression that you can’t keep pouring money down the black hole. Recovery takes great discipline and sacrifice, and it is painful. But I’m a witness, you do come out better and unencumbered on the other side. You begin to enjoy a freedom you’ve never felt before.

That's it. That's my plan. Again, I'm no financial expert, but that's the taxpayer focus upon which the recovery must be based.

Thank you for your time.

Donna Marie Williams

www.sensualcelibacy.blogspot.com

www.motivate2educate-k12.com

Teen girls, reluctant doctors?

2008-09-24T15:08:00.000-07:00

I just heard the most disturbing news from one of my sisters. She said a gynecologist told her she's no longer taking teen patients.

"Why?" I asked, incredulous.

"Because," said my sister, "so many teen girls had been coming in with not just one STD, but multiple STDs to be treated in one visit. She said it was nasty."

Nasty? Is that a term they learn in medical school?

I knew that the STD rate had been increasing in some youth populations, but I'd never heard about this issue with doctors refusing to see certain patients. Was this a trend among doctors?

I called my business partner, Alfred "Coach" Powell, and told him what I'd heard. He called a contact at a college clinic. What he found confirmed at least part of what I'd heard.

While this particular clinic isn't turning patients away, young women as well as gay men are seeking treatment for multiple STDs in one visit.

This is the most educated, informed generation around sexual issues, but behaviors are slow to change.

College campuses should purchase copies of my book Sensual Celibacy in bulk and give them away for free to young women. And I've known one or two gays who benefited from the wisdom included in its pages.

If you have teen children or work with them, don't give up on them. Contact me at info@acoachpowell.com to purchase our latest books: Girlfriends Journal #1 and Journal for Young Men #1 (Real Talk, Real Thoughts about Love, Relationships, and Sex).

These guided, abstinence- based journals are powerful eye openers for teens who are trying to work through turbulent emotions. In our workshops, there's never a dry eye in the house. Get these life-changing books today for yourself or someone you love. They may heal a heart or save a life!

Somewhat off point, but not really

2008-09-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know this is a blog about not having sex, but I just can't resist putting my two cents (literally, I'm on a budget) into the fray about our current economic crisis.

In my book Sensual Celibacy, I wondered how celibacy impacts the GNP (gross national product). After all, if you're not having sex, chances are you're buying copious amounts of chocolate and Kleenex, renting tons of DVDs for those Friday and Saturday nights home alone, and shopping way too much for shoes.

Come to think of it, shoe shopping is the one thing celibate and sexually active women agree on.

The point is, when you're suddenly single or single by force not choice or even willingly single, there are times when the aloneness seems unbearable. What to do?

In a capitalistic society, instead of meditating or praying, we spend money. Spending money is the way we escape from the pressures of life – although spending money often creates new pressures. We've been trained to whip out the plastic to buy things we don't really need, and at least for a moment we feel better, even ecstatic.

A few years ago, I lost everything – my job, my house, my knees (double knee replacement surgery). I thought I was losing my mind.

I read the heartfelt stories about women who had endured a crisis with their husbands at their side.

Well, hell, I didn't have one of those. Made me feel worse.

Normally, I would go to the bookstore and buy tons of books and books-on-tape to self-medicate, but with no money, I couldn't depend on the old shopping therapy to soothe my battered soul. At least not in the way I had before.

Somehow I got through my dark night of the soul, and I've learned to live on a lot less. A lot less. In fact, it's become a game to see how much I can save and still receive a modicum of enjoyment from life.

The country's going to have to learn to live on a lot less to get through this crisis. We also need to reestablish our manufacturing base. Not only did these guys have sticky fingers, they exported practically our entire manufacturing base overseas. Just plain evil.

Don't wait for someone else to create a company that actually makes something useful. Do It Yourself! Check out Etsy.com for a model of an online DIY community. The DIY revolution could very well turn out to be our economic salvation.

It will also give you something to do while not having sex.

So when I hear all the moaning and groaning on Wall Street and all the finger pointing in Washington, I point my own finger at all of them.

When I needed a bailout, only my family was there. Why should my taxes go to helping these rich guys when, in their insatiable quest for money, they never cared about building in safeguards for their employees and the society as a whole?

How can these CEOs, who ran their companies into the ground, get more money than a developing nation? Or was it the plan all along, to drop a bomb on the economy? Follow the money. I mean, either there's widespread incompetence or obedience on Wall Street and in Washington.

And if we must bail out these fools, then I want part ownership in the companies. I want to see dividend checks from Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG, and Iraqi oil (don't get me started on that).

The problem with capitalism is that money can become your god. As we've seen recently, money is a piss poor excuse for a god.

I'm still trying to sort through fact from fiction, but I'm beginning to suspect that the meltdown was calculated. Corruption and greed were the usual culprits, but there's a bigger agenda, as there always is with these things.

Follow the money. It's all about the consolidation of power. Fewer and fewer corporations are setting up to run more and more of our lives.

So I'm no different from anyone. I like to spend money, and in my more honest moments, I'll even admit to using money spending to self-medicate. But as I mentioned, I've learned how to live with a lot less. I pray and meditate a lot more.

How do I get my money spending fix during hard times? I go to the thrift shop.

More on a celibate woman's adventures at the thrift in later posts!!

Pick-up strategies: good or evil?

2008-09-18T06:41:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who considers himself quite the lady's man. Like all narcissists, he loves the sound of his own voice, believes only he has the answer to the world's problems, and is bored with the opinions of others.

He talks about himself all the time. Like Suede on this season's Project Runway, he refers to himself in the third person. A woman can't get a word in edgewise.

Believe it or not, such men can be charming, and I admit to keeping him around for entertainment purposes. But I can only take him in small doses. I've told him more than once that while he may be brilliant, he knows nothing about women.

Which brings me to the purpose of today's post. How would you feel if you discovered that a guy you were interested in had attended a "school" that teaches men how to pick up women?

Remember that VH1 reality show, The Pick-Up Artist?

Let's say you're going out to a club, a book store, or church social. You'll probably spend some time making yourself attractive before you go. You may read a few lines from my book Sensual Celibacy or team up with a friend to make sure you don't have accidental sex.

So can we be mad at guys for wanting to develop their skills? Aren't we both, women and men, preparing ourselves to make a connection? Aren't these preparations designed to ensure that things go the way we want?

Radaronline posts an interesting article about a school that teaches guys pick-up techniques. Yes, there are probably many sleazeballs that use the approach for evil and not good. But there are some men out there, good men, who are shy. They never get a break because their more verbose brethren have bedazzled all the women.

Read the article and decide for yourself. I think learning social skills is not a bad thing. Especially if it makes me stop and listen to a man, a good man, I might not have considered before.

How do you know if the man is good or not? Only time will tell, which is why abstaining from sex is critical. The beauty of sensual celibacy is that this mental mindset will help you discern the toads from the princes.

Silliness to take your minds off sex

2008-09-17T08:24:00.000-07:00

In addition to reading my book, Sensual Celibacy, I'm always looking for inventive ways to stay the straight and narrow. Well, this little time stealer may not stop you from thinking about sex entirely, but it'll take your mind off it for a quickie moment.

Which American family has the most interesting names in the country? The prize goes to a family in Alaska. That's right, the Palins.

So what would your name have been if Sarah Palin had been your mother? Check out this cool Sarah Palin name generator.

By the way, mine would have been Flag Cobra Palin.

I think I'll stick to Donna Marie.

Another celeb for abstinence

2008-09-16T13:43:00.000-07:00

Check out this great post about Jordin Sparks standing up for the Jonas Brothers and their abstinence pledge at the 2008 Video Music Awards.

That took courage!

It never ceases to amaze me what an easy target you become if you make a decision to not have casual sex. What ever happened to freedom and personal choice? Bigotry in any guise and against any group of people is just plain unacceptable and ignorant.

Source

This is what happens when real people campaign...

2008-09-02T07:36:00.000-07:00

This historical campaign season of many firsts has me, well, flabbergasted. Where do I begin?

Well, since they brought up Sarah Palin's pregnant 17 year-old daughter, and since I write a blog called "Sensual Celibacy," I figure I have as much right to crash the debate party raging on blogs, both liberal and conservative, as anyone.

First, let's get this straight: neither democrats nor republicans have cornered the market on sexual irresponsibility. As the Good Book says, we have all fallen short (especially me).

The goal of any presidential campaign is, of course, to win. Unfortunately, truth and integrity are the greatest casualties of the war.

When I heard about the teen pregnancy, I immediately thought, now if one of Barack Obama's African American daughters was 17 and had gotten pregnant (God forbid), what would be the response?

We know. Oh, we know.

"Yet another black girl got herself pregnant. Typical. Who's the baby daddy? Does she even know?" Blah blah.

All is not fair in America, so the hypocritical response of the republicans wasn't a surprise, but it still pissed me off. There has been nothing but glowing praise for Palin and her pregnant daughter.

"At least she's not going to have an abortion, although the situation is difficult."

"At least she's going to get married."

What kind of message does this send to youth? And, do republicans even believe what they're saying?

Rather than being apologists for the Palins, be real, republicans. Don't throw the child under the bus, but on the other hand, don't be hypocrites. Stay true to your conservative agenda, even when there's a lot at stake.

Isn't that what integrity's all about?

What happened to the conservative agenda – abstinence education, no sex before marriage, etc.? What happened to the national campaign to reduce teen pregnancy rates? What happened to the discussion about the girl's education? How will this pregnancy affect her academic performance? Will she graduate on time?

Did you throw all that out the window because of political expediency?

Humph.

I thought about Britney's sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, and the flak she took when her pregnancy was revealed to the world. She was a bad influence on youth, they said. Jamie's mother was called the worst mother in the world.

Yet I only hear glowing praise for Sarah Palin.

I'm just saying, be consistent, be fair.

Here are some teen pregnancy statistics to put this issue in perspective. According to the Centers for Disease Control:

About one-third of girls in the U.S. get pregnant before age 20.
More than 80% of teen births are unintended.
"Despite the continuous declines, the US teenage pregnancy rate is still among the highest among industrialized nations."
"$9.1bn in public funding was expended on teenage childbearing in 2004. These costs include public assistance, healthcare, child welfare and other expenses." (The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy)

And that's why the republicans shouldn't go soft, not now.

I have a teen aged daughter, so I know firsthand about the perils of parenting and growing up in this age of sexual irresponsibility. In fact, if I had been in Sarah Palin's place (God forbid), I wouldn't have taken McCain up on his offer. I wouldn't have wanted my daughter to endure the kind of public scrutiny Palin's daughter is now facing.

Sarah Palin, for my daughter's sake and all other teen males and females, don't hide behind the old "give our family privacy" bit. Use your great platform to talk about the need for abstinence education. Revive the discussion about how sexual themes and images in youth music, media, the Internet, video games, and comic books are deliberately promoted to children.

Sarah Palin, your daughter has launched a national debate. Your family is now part of all families. When it comes to our children, we can forgive just about anything. We know how your kids can break your heart. So be real, and don't hide behind politics, just this once. This is really important.

True confessions

2008-08-17T15:17:00.000-07:00

Friends, yesterday 2 events conspired to tempt me into giving up my sensual celibacy vow. The current issue of Prevention magazine has an article about the health benefits of regular sex. Specifically, a natural Oxicotyn is released into the system that, well, makes you feel good.

Now that my Estrogen tank is running on near empty, I got to thinking about how nice it would be to have some Oxicotyn (the natural variety) flowing through my veins.

I thought, Maybe it's time to give up sensual celibacy?

Later that evening, I went to the grocery store, and who did I see but the finest man I've laid eyes on in a looong time. Absolutely gorgeous.

I promptly called my sister and told her I'd had it with sensual celibacy. I mean, enough was enough.

In the book I talk about the need for a support team to help when the no-sex times get tough. Thank God I called the right person. She told me to read my blog. Ha!

I'm better today, but yesterday's experience taught me to stay humble. Over time it does get easier, but we're not made of stone. Sometimes you've got to take things one day at a time.

' Nigerian advises against 86 wives'

2008-08-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

BBC News posted a story today about an 84-year-old Nigerian man, a local healer, who has 86 wives and "at least" 170 children.

Yes, that's crazy, and even Mohammed Bello Abubakar doesn't recommend anyone following his example.

Abubakar is interesting, but the wives really caught my attention. I mean, what woman in her right mind would agree to join a harem of 86 women?

One woman said, "I am now the happiest woman on earth. When you marry a man with 86 wives you know he knows how to look after them."

Maybe it's me, but do you detect a bit of the Stepford wife in her comment?

Another said that she married Abubakar when he healed her of a headache. I mean, don't they have aspirin in Nigeria?

Can you imagine having this man as a father? If you're one of 170 kids, when do you get to spend quality time with dad?

170 kids?? That's a lot of sex going on. Do the wives get jealous? When does Abubakar have time to do anything else? I bet there's a lot of wifely celibacy going on. (Maybe they'd be interested in my book, Sensual Celibacy??)

How do you feed such a large family?

What about relations among siblings? My two children fought like crazy when they were growing up. I can't imagine the sibling rivalry in a family where "at least" 169 of your brothers and sisters are vying for dad's limited, elderly attention.

I really am for cultural respect and understanding, but on this one, I fold. I just don't get it.

Source

I don't usually do this, but...

2008-08-08T06:13:00.000-07:00

I received this email today and am passing it on, pretty much as it was sent to me. Whether you're Christian or not, this message may be for you.

Subject: Minister With Aids

PLEASE READ ALL THE WAY AND FORWARD TO THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT.

To those of you who are single or married, saved or not saved, this is for you. I am a 35-year-old African American or Black brother dying of Aids. I would like to share my testimony with you.

I am an owner of a Mortgage Company in Atlanta , GA. I own a 2007 Jaguar and I also own a $350,000 beautiful home in Cobb County .

I have a beautiful Lady who is deeply in love with me and a loving family. But most important, I have Jesus, this is just a wake up call to all single brothers and sisters who are professing to be Christians, but don't want to be complete.

Brothers, I had a beautiful young lady who loves the Lord and worships the ground I walk on. But I still wasn't quite happy because sometimes I would see another sister with a Coca-Cola bottle shape and just wanted to hit it. Because I was using a condom, I thought that I wouldn't catch the killer 'AIDS' but guess what? I did..

And the person I caught it from was a girl that I knew well.

But the condom came off and now I am dying of AIDS. Yes, I wore a condom. But yes it did happen.

God gives us time after time to straighten our lives up. I do know the Lord in the pardon of my sins. I've been saved now for 7 years.

I found out 7 months ago that I had the virus, and now I have full-blown Aids. I really didn't think that I was doing anything wrong, because I would tell the women who I would deal with about the woman I love. I thought that was good enough. But it wasn't.

I am a good man and also a God-fearing man; but my weakness was women... I really wasn't out there like you may think I was, but every once and a while I would see something I wanted to try. My girlfriend is a praying woman. I know now that she was intimate with me because she loved me and she wanted to make me happy.

Now I've given AIDS to the woman I love (who has been faithful to me) because of lust.

Brothers and sisters, what I am telling you is that God is tired of us hurting each other and using each other for self-gratification.

God has given me my home, my dream car and a beautiful woman and I took it all for granted. I've been tithing for 7 years. I am the chairman of my Deacon Board. But when I told my Pastor I had AIDS, he could not believe it because of the way I would carry myself.

Brothers, if you have a sister who loves the Lord and who loves you for who you are and not for what you look like and not for what you have, cherish her.

Sisters. If you have a brother who loves the Lord, love him and cherish him.

My life has been altered. I've been with my lady since I was 20, and I've always used my young age as an excuse for not being loyal and not settling down with the woman I loved. I was being a hypocrite thinking that I was missing something, and not realizing that I had a good woman who loved and adored me.

I wish I had been a real man and had appreciated the good woman God had sent me by not making excuses and dedicating my life to her. I would love to travel and marry this beautiful young Lady, but now I can't.

I've embarrassed my family, my church and my friends. But I was hardheaded and now I must suffer.

God is cleaning up. Stop playing with God. God is revealing the secrets of us Christians. Brothers and sisters, we don't have to have so many 'friends,' you know what we call them. The ones we are planning to sleep with but haven't yet.' We often say that we don't want anyone to know our business, but God is about to reveal something. Especially to us young people.

We think so carnal. But we say that we have been transformed. We have been transformed from what we want to be transformed from. Let's be real. God knows that the opposite sex attracts us. And he knows the desires we have for each other, but we don't have to have multiple partners.

If I could do it all over again, I would marry the woman I love and live happy forever. But now I can't! But you can!

Singles...I gotta tell you, it's not worth it. I love you all!

Get rid of casual sex.

This is really deep. After you've read this, think about yourself. Could this have been you? Some of you may not relate, but think about anything you are doing right now that is not of God.

We are living in the last and final days, and pretending to be saved is not going to cut it. Professing that He is Lord, and yet worshiping the devil every chance you get will lead you to the same path as me. Get your mind out of the gutter and put it in the Word of God and you'll have great success. Don't and you'll have great woe.

I love the LORD and thank Him for all that He does in my life; therefore, I'm passing this on. Yes, I do love Jesus who has forgiven me of the repeated sins. That forgiveness does not cancel out the consequences, at least not so far. But that's on me. Still, the Lord is my source of existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each day and is letting me share my story with you.

I'm telling it like it is. THIS REALLY is to help somebody. Without Him, I will be nothing. Without Him, I am nothing but with Him I can do all things. Phil 4:13

If you love Jesus, send this to lots of people!!!!!! Be Positive - Be Progressive...Take the time to make a positive difference in someone's life.

Minister Anthony J. Cox

God Bless

Rebounding vs. sensual celibacy

2008-08-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

I've been talking to a friend of mine who's been going through a painful breakup with her ex. They'd been together for 5 or 6 years, and she's having a really rough time.

I think it helps if you don't have to see your ex on a daily basis. Unfortunately, with situations like office romances or parenting, no such luck.

I've always said that I'm not mature enough to have a friendship with an ex. I'd rather a clean break.

Many years ago, when I broke up with an ex, I had to continue dealing with him because of our child. I couldn't run away, although I wanted to. To make matters worse, he soon got married. I wasn't really dating, so you know how hard it is when your ex seems to move on without skipping a beat.

That's what's going on with my friend. Not only is the guy dealing with someone new already, she's young plus my friend sees them together a lot. She feels like he's flaunting his new fling in her face. My friend's a basket case.

I've learned a couple of things from this situation.

1. Breaking up doesn't get any easier as you get older.

2. I knew this already, but my friend's situation has really convinced me that there are no shortcuts to healing a broken heart. It's not an easy message to hear, and for years I wouldn't listen. Not surprisingly I kept repeating the past because I refused to deal with it. If you try and bury the thoughts, memories, and feelings, they'll resurface sooner or later.

3. Although sensual celibacy is the road less traveled, it really is an effective antidote to the heartbreak that often follows breakups and rebounding. I know, I know. Rebounding can be tempting, especially if the guy's some serious eye candy or he's paying you attention, but you and I both know this is a short-term fix. Plus, if this "relationship" ends badly, that's even more bad karma, more bad feelings.

If you're feeling the fresh, painful wounds of a breakup, take a few deep breaths. Having gone through this a few times I'm convinced that this rite of passage separates the girls from the women. If you can endure all the confusion and pain of the moment, you'll begin to see a light at the end of that long, dark tunnel. That light leads to a much more joyful place. Just trust the process, and pray a lot.

Sadness: AIDS rates higher than previously thought

2008-08-03T07:44:00.000-07:00

"The number of Americans infected by the AIDS virus each year is much higher than the government has been estimating, U.S. health officials reported, acknowledging that their numbers have understated the level of the epidemic."

Need I mention that Sensual Celibacy is the answer?

Source

The designer vagina

2008-08-01T08:19:00.001-07:00

You've gotta read this article: "Australian doctors warn against 'designer vagina' craze."

The designer vagina craze has some women spending their money (on average, $9,500 US) on "dangerous" vaginal surgical procedures, including "vaginal rejuvenation, revirgination, designer vaginoplasty and G-spot amplification," says the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists.

G-spot amplification?

"The real risks of potential complications such as scarring, permanent disfigurement, infection, dyspareunia and altered sexual sensations should be discussed in detail with women seeking such treatments." The college says that the surgeries may exploit "vulnerable" women.

The risks are real, but the fact that women are willing to spend the cash and take the chance on their health suggests a complex range of desires, hopes, and fears that are motivating them. Just saying, "Don't get the surgeries" isn't going to solve anything. Just like in the days of back alley abortions, women will find a way, even upon threat of death.

The red flag for me was the mention of revirgination. Virginity is still highly prized, so this procedure would be desired among young women who may have been raped or engaged in premarital sex.

And what about women who were forced to endure female castration? These women are surely justified in their desire for vaginal restoration.

I can understand the reasons why women are willing to risk these procedures, but until they are safe, maybe our cultural values need rethinking.

Ladies, please get your copy of Sensual Celibacy today. I know it may sound paradoxical, but celibacy is a powerful path to feeling healthy and whole about ourselves as sexual beings.

Source

Can celibacy go on too long?

2008-07-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

Friends, this is a question I'm asking myself now. How long is too long to not be in a love relationship? Can you get too comfortable being alone?

Here's where a little sexual anorexia could creep in if you're not careful. If you forget about being sensually celibate, your sexuality might slip into a deep freeze. That's not good.

Let's say you're no longer feeling desperate about being single. You've done all the hard heart work, and you're feeling pretty peaceful. With casualties of love falling all around you, you're feeling pleased with yourself. At least you're no longer riding that love roller coaster, thank God.

Then one day, a really good looking man walks by. You do a double take. Your heart skips a beat (forgot that was even there). Oooo, he's cute. No, not cute. He's fine in that mature, confident, manly man kind of way. What do you do? Hope he strikes up a conversation? Or do you simply remember that you're not made of stone after all and keep stepping?

This happened to me recently. I'm sorry to say, I let the brother walk on by. Shy by nature, I at least mustered the courage to return his smile and say "good morning."

Preaching to myself: never never get so comfortable that you close your heart to the possibilities that life offers. Never never view the present with the eyes of the past. What happened is dead and gone. Bless it, release it, and learn from it. Be wise, but let your heart open, let it blossom like a flower. Be joyful. And by all means, girl, learn how to flirt again :)

Judge not

2008-07-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

It's really easy if you're practicing celibacy to look down on other single women who don't.

It's also tempting for sexually active women to look down on women who make the celibacy choice.

Can't we all just get along? Isn't it really about making the right choice for you?

Celibacy how-to from Old Christine

2008-07-22T07:53:00.000-07:00

I was watching a rerun of The New Adventures of Old Christine last night and was surprised to find that even Old Christine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) found a brief moment of celibacy useful.

The story is about Christine's serious attraction to the gorgeous Daniel Harris (a.k.a. Blair Underwood, sigh). Not wanting to blow a good thing, they decide to develop a friendship before having sex.

Christine's alternative to cold showers? The "hair chastity belt." Basically, this involves not shaving. If you don't shave, you don't want anyone to see you naked, that's for sure.

You've gotta admit, that's pretty creative.

Prevent accidental sex

2008-07-16T05:34:00.001-07:00

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among them is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." - P.J. O'Rourke

Sexy car (oh baby!)

2008-07-16T04:03:00.000-07:00

Why is this 2008 Tesla Roadster so sexy? Because it's 100% electric! Down with big oil! (Source)

Usher on fatherhood

2008-07-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

Like Barack and Jesse, Sr., R&B star Usher grew up without his biological father. Here's what he had to say in Essence magazine when asked, "What is living right as a father?":

That man would accept his responsibilities as a father, regardless of whether he was with the mother of the child. Men will leave a situation for several reasons. One, it's not comfortable. It may be violent. The two of you may grow apart. But you should never abandon that responsibility, which is to be there, reading with your child, being supportive of your child's growth. That is communicating. That is making the choice to put your child before your own vanity.

Beautiful.

I was raised by a great father, a true Southern gentleman. In fact, I wrote a story about us cooking a pot of black-eyed peas in my book Black-Eyed Peas for the Soul.

I know many good men who, whether married or single, have been great fathers to their children. My business partner, Alfred "Coach" Powell, is not only a great father to his own children, but he's been like a father to my daughter and other children in the community who haven't been blessed to have dad around. My brother-in-law, Reuben Miller, is another father at-large to my daughter, my niece, children at his church, and many incarcerated young men.

I could go on and on with examples.

These are the real men of the community and nation. They are unsung but heroes nonetheless. They receive no praise, no recognition in the media, yet they keep on keeping on. No, it sometimes doesn't work out with the mother, but a real man stays connected with his children in a real way. (Source)

Celeb teens pledge to abstain until marriage

2008-07-11T12:15:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Rachel from SingleMomSeeking.com who sent me a note about Disney stars Selena Gomez and the Jonas Brothers vowing to abstain from sex until marriage. It's refreshing to read about teens who are at least trying to wait.

15 year-old Selena says, "I'm going to keep my promise to myself, to my family and to God."

The Jonas Brothers (Kevin-20, Joe-18, and Nick-15) wear promise rings to prove their virginity and intention to wait. Joe says the rings signify their "promises to ourselves and to God that we'll stay pure till marriage."

I'm not crazy about the word "pure." It puts down victims of sexual molestation and those who have not made the choice to abstain. But I love what these teens are doing. I hope their millions of tween and teen fans are paying attention.

And yes, dear skeptics, I know other teen stars have broken their pledges in the past, but give the kids a break! They may slip, or maybe they'll achieve their goal. Celebrity kids should be allowed to make their life choices and mistakes like everyone else.

By the way, are your tweens and teens dealing with some heavy relationship issues? Contact me at sensualcelibacy@live.com to get your copies of Girlfriends Diary #1 and Journal for Young Men #1 (Real Talk, Real Thoughts About Love, Relationships & Sex). These guided journals are abstinence based. If you have teens and tweens at home, if you're a teacher, a minister, a guidance counselor, or someone who works with kids in the community, these books will help make your job much easier. Teachers: they're also great for writing exercises.

Soon I'm going to put a cart on the site to make it simple and easy to purchase the journals and Sensual Celibacy. Thanks for your patience!

Fatherhood: Jesse vs. Barack

2008-07-10T10:01:00.000-07:00

For me, the "hot mic" comments of Jesse Jackson, Sr. were less about vulgarity than about the land mine that is fatherhood in the African American community and the rest of the country.

The inability of so many couples to last has caused a pandemic of single motherhood. I'm surely a statistic.

Need I mention that sensual celibacy could go a long way in preventing single parenting, being a responsible single parent, and being a great role model for your children?

Now I know single fathers who had full custody and did a tremendous job with their children. But for the most part, the mother is usually responsible.

If the breakup was hostile, some fathers stop participating in their children's lives altogether. They just drop out. Apparently the bad feelings the father has for the mother extends to the children. So the children feel abandoned, and the mothers have the difficult task of raising children alone.

I've long struggled to understand how a man can do this to his children.

The Jesse-Barack confrontation is symbolic of how divided men also feel about the issue. Barack feels men need to step up to the plate and be responsible fathers.

Jesse, on the other hand -- well, I really don't know what he thinks, except he'd like to castrate Barack for challenging men to be responsible fathers. What seems like a no brainer to me and Barack is not so with Jesse and other men like him.

Thank God for the good men out there who are great fathers and role models to their children, regardless of the situation with the mother. That's what fatherhood is all about.

Strange sex news

2008-07-10T09:43:00.000-07:00

Indonesia is mourning the death of Mak Erot, or as I like to call her, The Penis Lengthener. Yes, friends, though the journey was hard and long (or maybe not so long), men from all over Indonesia came to this wonder worker to have their mini me's elongated. Her use of Islamic prayers and herbs made believers out of many.

R.I.P. Mak Erot.

(Source)

Lessons from a 41 year old swimming champion

2008-07-07T07:07:00.000-07:00

Everybody's talking about Dara Torres today. She's the amazing swimmer who, at 41 years old, won the 50- and 100-meter freestyles to nail her spot on her fifth Olympic team.

Matt Lauer asked her, "So what's your secret?"

I thought she was going to say the usual stuff, but she said 2 things that surprised me.

She said, "I know how to recover, and that's important at my age." She was talking physically, but what great words of wisdom for anyone dealing with stressful situations. If you master the art of recovery, you're going to be okay. (Hear that, single folks?)

The second thing she said was even deeper. She said, "The water doesn't know how old you are." Wow!

I really needed to hear that because in 3 months I'm turning 50, and I'm a little nervous. I'm beginning to feel my mortality.

But if you think of the water as a metaphor for life, it really doesn't matter how old you are. You can do anything you want to do as long as you're willing to dedicate the necessary time and effort.

Fireworks (hmmm...)

2008-07-04T17:19:00.000-07:00

A 4th of July celibacy question: what do fireworks remind you of?

Isn't it interesting how celibacy often leads to tantalizing thoughts of you know what?

Happy 4th!!

Single mama, where oh where did your inner sex kitten go?

2008-07-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

If ever there was a group who needs to activate their inner sexy it’s single moms. Theoretically, married moms are getting at least some attention from their husbands, but how’s a single, celibate mom to find hers?

First, let’s state where she shouldn’t be looking. The untold story of single moms is that they often look to their children, specifically their sons, for attention. No, it’s not consciously sexual (at least it shouldn’t be, sicko), but the need for attention can cross over into unacceptable realms

If you’ve ever told your son that his truly lovely girlfriend wasn’t good enough for him, you may need to detach and get a life.
If you’re constantly flirting with your teen son’s friends, you need a new circle of friends. That’s inappropriate.
If you find yourself sharing intimate details of your former sexual relationships with your children, quit it. You’re grossing them out.

Bottom line, you need to be clear in your mind about the boundaries separating you as an adult woman with sexual needs and you as a mama.

So what about that inner sex kitten? Well, in a perfect world, a smoky look across a crowded room can activate that inner sexy. But if you’re not in a consistent, dependable relationship, relying on casual hook-ups is too much of a distraction from parenting. So, until someone serious comes along, you must look to yourself.

Don’t feel bad. Actually, the more your sexiness comes from within, the stronger your self-esteem. The stronger your self-esteem, the more likely you’ll be able to tell the predators from those truly worthy of your time and attention.

I know I say this all the time, but pampering is an absolute must. Time out for self and adult relationships is critical to sanity. You need to get away from those kids every once in a while!

If sexy is too strong a word for you right now, think sensual. Don’t neglect the things in life that give you sensual pleasure. For example, every once in a while I buy myself flowers. Every time I look at them, I feel a rush of pleasure and satisfaction. Adding touches of sensual beauty in our homes, offices, even cars can go a long way.

How about wearing sexy lingerie or making your bed with soft, satin sheets?

I’ve recently rediscovered Fannie Mae candies, and let me tell you, there are few things on earth more delightful (and medicating) than a walnut covered in dark chocolate. With a glass of wine, that's heaven.

If you’ve forgotten what sex is even about, a lightweight trashy novel might be fun. But this is only for advanced celibates who can handle it and won’t be tempted to go out and have accidental sex.

I’m always looking for fun, sensual ways to keep the inner sexy purring. If you have any creative ideas, drop us a line at sensualcelibacy@live.com.

Dressing sexy

2008-06-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

Friends, I’ve got to sexy up my act.

Yesterday my sister and I went to a fashion show benefiting breast cancer research. The presentations from various survivors were truly moving, but it was the fashion show that put me to shame. The clothes! The shoes! In the words of Carrie, “Come here, lover!”

To be honest, at my age and luscious full figuredness I couldn’t wear any of the clothes that floated dream-like down the makeshift catwalk. They were all so slinky and tight that every bump and grind on my body would show the world what I’m really made of. We can’t have that.

The shoes were awesome, but the heels were so high I feared for the ankles and knees of the models wearing them. That’s when you know you’re getting older, when your major concern is for comfort, not femme fatale.

Still, we can’t get so comfortable in our sweats and jeans that we forget to be sexy. So what if we’re not having sex! So let’s not forget to wear our mini skirts, plunging necklines, and kitten heels with pride. It’s amazing how the right outfit can make you feel fabulous!

Sensual celibacy vs. sexual anorexia

2008-06-26T07:31:00.000-07:00

Apart from the nagging fear that we’ll never have sex again (heaven forbid!), the one idea that has the power to unleash widespread panic in the celibacy community is “sexual anorexia.”

The term comes from anorexia nervosa, which of course is the absence or extreme loss of appetite and the resulting deathly weight loss and skeletal appearance.

Some researchers define sexual anorexia as the lack of sexual “appetite” or the extreme fear of sex. Another school of thought says that sexual anorexics may be able to have sex but without the intimacy. So they may indulge in pornography, paid sex, and strip clubs, but they can’t connect one-on-one. Tina Turner’s wail, “What’s love got to do with it?” might be the anthem of this type of sexual anorexic.

In my opinion, sexual anorexia is a misnomer or at the very least comparing apples (fear of sex/intimacy) to oranges (fear of food). The issues that create each of these disorders may be very different. I’m no expert in either of these fields, but even I can see how anorexia nervosa can lead to starvation and death while sexual anorexia does not. We can’t live without food. Contrary to popular belief, we can live without sex. The quality of life may be dimmed at times, but we can still function and even have joy and happiness in life.

Clearly, both anorexics – sexual and dietary – need clinical help. My concern is that those of us practicing celibacy are not mindlessly lumped into this group just because, like some sexual anorexics, we're not having sex.

Practicing celibacy, especially my sensual celibacy, is a choice, not a disorder. Compared to having casual sex with people you don’t even know, sensual celibacy will always be a wise, sane choice. I keep thinking about Matt Drudge’s screaming headline, “Sex in the city: 1 in 4 NYC adults has herpes.” In light of widespread STDs and broken hearts, sensual celibacy is still the best way to go when facing solo times.

To me, the difference between sensual celibacy and sexual anorexia is intent. As sexual beings having a celibate lifestyle (temporarily, hopefully!), we make the decision to table casual sex. Sexual anorexia is a disorder; sensual celibacy is a clearly thought out approach to managing our sexual behavior.

That said, I believe that the old-fashioned, judgmental, unforgiving, harsh style of celibacy can lead to sexual anorexia. If there's no spirituality or sensuality in your celibacy, you run the risk of detouring down some very dark alleys. Celibate beware!

Which is why I so strongly advocate the sensual approach. Never let go of your femininity (or masculinity). Get your 10 hugs every day. Stimulate your senses with the sights and sounds you love. Most importantly, maintain healthy, intimate, loving relationships.

Pray for men

2008-06-21T13:14:00.000-07:00

Today my mother invited me to come to church with her -- that's right, on a Saturday. It's hard enough to get me to church on a Sunday, much less one of the other six days of the week. But it was for a good cause.

For the past 22 years, New Covenant Life Church in Chicago (Pastors John and Jo Ann Long) have held a virtual prayer marathon for men. It goes on for hours and hours. It's like an aerobic prayer workout. It's like going to the wailing wall and just letting it all out. Praying like that is extremely cathartic and therapeutic. It heals the soul.

If you have any bitterness, unforgiveness, and pain lingering in your heart from a failed love relationship, praying for your ex is one of the best ways to heal. It's a great way to just let the thing go.

If you're still mad at your father, uncle, or brother for whatever happened in the past, pray for them.

At first you'll be like, "Okay, God, here I am. I don't know what to say about that low down, dirty so and so...." It may go on like that for a couple of minutes. But soon a warmth, a sweetness washes over you and you'll find yourself praying things that never occurred to you before. Kinder things. Insightful things about the person that couldn't have come to mind while you were mad. You become more compassionate. That's when you know you're in the spirit and an All-Knowing Intelligence has taken over (thank God!).

It's actually a relief to let the hurt and anger go. It takes a lot of energy to stay mad at someone. Do you really want to meet your soul mate while you're still pissed off at your ex? You don't want to taint your new relationship with pain from the past. Pray for your ex. That's the best way to let him go.

I know. He did you wrong. So what. Pray for him. I don't care what he did. Pray and forgive him. It goes against the grain, especially if you're right and he was wrong. Still, pray for him. There's no short cut to sanity and a joyful heart.

Ultimately, you begin to realize that the prayers are also about your peace of mind, sanity, and emotional health.

I went to one of Pastor Jo Ann's first prayers for men years ago. It was held at Morgan Park High School, and nearly 1,000 women showed up to pray.

That was a powerful experience for me. If you really get into the spirit of the event, there's no way you can continue to be mad at men.

I didn't know it then, but years later, when I began to practice celibacy, the lessons from that prayer set a powerful tone for living a life without casual sex. I remember praying as if I personally was carrying the burdens of all men on my shoulders. It was crazy praying, but I just couldn't stay mad at the ones who had done me wrong after that experience.

That's not to say I never get mad at men. After all, I'm still single parenting. ('Nough said about that.) But whenever I'm in a funk about something that was said or not done, I practice prayer and forgiveness. I'm ruthless with myself about it. I don't want to set up any more karmic debts with anyone else in this lifetime, thank you very much!

Pray alone, but it's even more powerful when you pray with others. I remember how the atmosphere in the auditorium was literally throbbing with the urgency of our prayers. While praying for our fathers, husbands, sons, and loves, we women experienced a rare moment of unity. No doubt, there was a lot of pain in that auditorium. But when you pray for men, not with perfection but with honesty, you begin to realize how much pain they're in. Some of our men are really suffering -- unemployment, unacknowledged depression, incarceration, addictions. The list goes on and on.

I didn't go this year, but I was there with those women in spirit. I know the power of prayer and forgiveness. There's no way you can stay mad at someone when you pray for him. No way.

Got time?

2008-06-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

Is celibacy time different from sex time? I'm talking perception, of course.

From romance to foreplay to intercourse to afterglow (hopefully), time can pass in an instant. But if the sex is a bore or a chore, you're looking at the little clock on the bedside table while he's pumping away, thinking, "Geez, just come already."

If you're single, you may be thinking, "Will this time in my life ever be over?" You measure time between dates or phone calls from him. You look at the calendar in shock, realizing it's been X weeks/months/years (yikes!) since you last did the wild thang.

Time is relative, but one thing's for sure: the more joy, whether you're having sex or celibacy, the less time feels like watching a pot boil.

Good times right now

2008-06-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

The July 2008 issue of Marie Claire reviews The Time Paradox by psychologist Philip Zimbardo. His point about our tendency to fixate on either the past, present, or future made me think about the things we fantasize about while practicing celibacy.

We wish we had a man. We wish we were having mind blowing sex. We wish we had the white house and picket fence. We wish we had the perfect little family.

While we're wishing and hoping and fantasizing about the future, the pleasures of right now are passing us by. That's a shame.

Zimbardo says, “If happiness is always in the future, then you’ll never be happy.” So true. Gotta practice joy right now. Don’t wait for the man. Start cracking yourself up right now!

Prevent accidental sex!

2008-06-16T07:07:00.000-07:00

Don't listen to the sexiest song of all time: 'Don't Disturb This Groove' by The System. Whew, that bass! The hair! The dance moves!

Sexonomics

2008-06-16T03:58:00.000-07:00

With the cost of everything going up, I sometimes think how great it would be to share financial responsibilities with someone.

Back to reality. Money and sex are the 2 biggest reasons why couples fight and break up.

A couple of years ago I had a major recession of my own. Along with double knee replacement surgery, I had to sell my house. Times were hard. Would it have been better to go through that with someone? I don't know.

I've seen couples come through the fire stronger than ever, and then there are those who don't make it.

It would be awful to be with someone who doesn't have money in perspective, who allows it to rule his life. Can't you be generous and a good money manager?

Maybe the lesson is, whether alone or with someone, we can't let hard times defeat us. I feel the pain at the gas pump. Chicago has some of the highest gas prices in the country. But whenever I start feeling nervous, I remind myself that abundance is all around and that I'm in the flow. Even though it costs more to get gas, the car is still tanked up.

Labor of love

2008-06-15T11:25:00.000-07:00

I love the story about Annie and Doug Brown who decided to try a great experiment in love: 101 days of sex. They found that making the commitment and sticking to it created wonderful intimacy in their relationship.

It's so easy to throw in the towel when it comes to relationships. That's why the divorce rate is so high and why so many singles opt for kickin' it and hanging out vs. making the commitment to make love work.

Celibacy makes sense when you're single and not yet partnered up. Sex makes sense when you're in a loving relationship and want to stay connected. Either way, solo or with someone, it's a labor of love.

Feeling womanly without sex

2008-06-14T04:06:00.000-07:00

This has, without a doubt, been my hardest challenge. It's not that I need a man to make me whole, but I sometimes need that jolt of sexual connection to make me feel womanly -- and only a man can give it to me.

In the past I might have given into temptation. Never say never, but today I feel pretty strong in my celibacy practice. I don't want to give in to sex...unless the circumstances are right for me. No one can say what's right for you but you.

That's not to say that I don't get that much needed feeling of sexual connection in other ways. A couple of days ago I just happened to see a long-time friend. We used to date many moons ago. I've seen him off and on over the years, but our chance meeting a couple of days ago produced a surprising jolt of feeling.

I think he felt it, too, because he was doing that smiling-and-looking-at-the-ground thing.

We rushed into each other's arms, hugged warmly, and then said our pleasantries. We exchanged new numbers and then went on about the day.

We broke up for a reason, so I don't really want to revisit the past. However, he is and always was basically a good man. It's nice to know that my occasional jolts of sexual connection come from good men now, not the jerks that used to give me a buzz ages ago.

Big oil and dating

2008-06-10T17:55:00.000-07:00

Yours truly will be on Dr. Lorraine Jacques White's Powertalk show on WAOK Radio in Atlanta, Georgia, 10 a.m. EST.

I was just wondering today, is the high price of gas affecting dating behaviors? Are folks opting to stay home instead of meeting up?

Goodness, I hope not! Don't let big oil win!

Sexual abstinence at a juvy home

2008-06-09T21:50:00.000-07:00

Coach Powell visited a juvenile detention center today and asked for their "hardest cases." Some of the girls were pregnant or had delivered babies while at the center. All in all, his group had around 60 males and 20 females (sitting on opposite sides of the room, of course).

Coach Powell hit them with the questions from Girlfriends Diary #1 and Journal for Young Men #1. They were in tears by the end of the session. The process is life changing, and we want every teen in America to experience the transformation. Contact us at sensualcelibacy@live.com to be put on the mailing list. We'll let you know as soon as the books have been printed.

Teens get a lot of sex education but not a lot of sexual abstinence presented to them in a way that makes sense to them ("how can you hear without a preacher?"). The journals are a safe way for them to sort through all the emotions and questions they have. If it's done with an adult facilitator, the process is really powerful, but the journals can stand alone as well.

Celibacy is baaack!

2008-06-07T14:55:00.000-07:00

Hi friends,

I've missed you! Sorry for taking a year off from blogging, but I had a good reason...no really. My writing partner and I, Alfred "Coach" Powell, have been writing books since we last met. I'll tell you about those in a minute.

I'll be on The Michael Baisden Show -- Love, Lust, and Lies -- on Monday, June 9, 2008, the afternoon drive. It should be a lot of fun. He's got a huge audience, but try and call in. I'd love to hear from you! Check local radio listings.

Now about our latest writing projects. Since writing Sensual Celibacy 10 years ago, I've long wanted to do a follow up for teens. Despite what we hear about teen sexual behavior in the media, I find they're hungry for information on abstinence. Well we've finally gone and done it. Girlfriends Diary #1 and Journal for Young Men #1 (Real Talk, Real Thoughts About Love, Relationships, and Sex) are life-changing, guided journals designed to help teens be dating survivors. No more accidental sex allowed!

Here's what 2 of Coach Powell's former athletes had to say about the journals:

“Time out for being hard and angry. Coach Powell’s Journal for Young
Men #1 is a powerful process for revealing all the secrets a man keeps
inside, things we try to hide even from ourselves. I found it life
changing. All young men who want to step up their game need to work this book
for their emotional and spiritual health.” Daequan Cook, NBA Miami Heat

“Finally a book that’s right for the times, right on time, and just in the nick of time. Coach Powell has created a life saving process that allows young men to educate and express themselves without hurting anyone. This book is a “keep it real” appropriate read about love, relationships, and sex. It’s a way to use the power of the mind and pen instead of fists and guns. Every young man should read this journal as a part of their rite of passage into manhood.” Na’Shan Goddard, 2008 NFL World Champion New York Giants

The books are at the printers, so check back here or http://www.acoachpowell.com/ for purchasing information. Our goal is to get copies of these powerful journals into the hands of every male and female teen in America!! Send me a note at sensualcelibacy@live.com if you'd like to be put on our mailing list.

Check out the many youth workshops and professional development trainings we provide on http://www.acoachpowell.com/. We consult with schools, faith organizations, and social service agencies around the country.

Down with The Rules!

2007-05-26T19:20:00.001-07:00

Remember that bestselling book, The Rules, that came out a few years ago? It occurred to me recently that you don't need arbitrary rules for dating if you have a full life. You'll never have to pretend to be busy to make yourself appear unavailable. Many times you will be unavailable because you've got so much to do. If you've used your term of celibacy to, among other things, develop self-confidence and self-worth, then you can agree to go out with him in the next few minutes if you feel like it. No more game playing! Let's keep it real! The problem is, too many men are so used to the games they may misinterpret your genuineness. Hey, that's their problem. Your job is to live life and live it to the fullest.

Just something to think about.

'Chaste by choice'

2007-04-19T16:43:00.000-07:00

Check out "Chaste by choice" by Pat Burson of Newsday.com. Yours truly was interviewed for the piece.

It never ceases to amaze me how controversial NOT having sex is in our society. Readers' comments following the article are very enlightening.

From Sinatra to Imus, some things never change

2007-04-12T09:19:00.000-07:00

Among the many emails and phone calls I've received about the Imus mess, the following note from my sister, Janice Miller, was definitely among the most provocative.

Years ago I attended a reception with a few other ladies from my church. The local band of middle-aged African American men were playing an old tune that I recall my parents used to listen to.

Although I didn't remember the words, I knew the melody, so I grabbed the hand of a friend who loves to dance as much as I do, and we cut a couple of steps. I noticed the lead vocalist watching us, probably because we were the only two people on the dance floor. As we connected eye to eye, it seemed like he was having fun singing to me:

She gets too hungry for dinner at eight
She likes the theater and never comes late
She never bothers with people she'd hate

... until he came to the refrain, That's why the lady is a tramp.

The singer and I shared an awkward moment. He dropped his eyes and I left the floor. We were having such lighthearted fun that the insult that repeated throughout this beloved classic as the hook unexpectedly stung us both.

Just like Imus' slur against the scholar-athletes of Rutgers University didn't make sense, this song doesn't make sense. In every stanza, Frankie seems to describe a decent woman. She doesn't gamble, she's punctual, she doesn't gossip, and despite the fact that she's broke, she's not a golddigger. Yet he still slaps us with that line, That's why the lady is a tramp.

When I first heard about Imus' slur against Rutgers' basketball team, I focused more on the word 'nappy' and was less than moved. Poor taste, yes. Ain't yo business 'bout our hair, yes. But ho?! YIKES!

With all due respect to people who sell their bodies for sex (prostitutes) and those who freely give away their bodies for sex (whores), women who behave in these ways have, throughout time, found themselves in extreme categories that carry plenty of negative connotations. These words should never be used casually, and never on women who haven't proclaimed themselves as such.

My heart felt it when Frank Sinatra and writers Rodgers and Hart forced the singer to call me a tramp. I still remember how degrading it felt, even though it was 10-15 years ago.

I value dignity highly, and name calling ruins that for everyone involved. Let's protect it in ourselves and each other.

This shoe isn't sex...

2007-04-11T15:24:00.000-07:00

...but it should be! Check out my blog, www.prettyflats.blogspot.com, for more about this absolutely orgasmic sandal, perfect for sensual celibates!

Sexual anorexia

2007-04-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

When researching Sensual Celibacy, I came across the term 'sexual anorexia'. What a loaded term! I'm still trying to unpack this idea. Although there are tremendous benefits to be had from celibacy, I have to admit there can be some swamps, too.

Anorexia is most commonly understood as an eating disorder characterized by the refusal to eat to the point of starvation. Could this term apply to celibacy as well? Could depriving yourself of sex for too long create a famine-like condition in your body, your soul, your sexual being?

This may be mixing apples and oranges. You can die without food, but you won't die if you don't have sex (contrary to popular belief). Still, we can understand ourselves a little more by exploring this idea.

This is such a complicated issue that I can only try to do it some justice in this post. Admittedly, I've got a long way to grow here.

I believe you can experience a famine in your soul, a starvation-like condition during celibacy. That's why I so strongly advocate a sensual approach. The focus is not sex starvation but filling ourselves up with sensual pleasure (especially touch), love, and womanliness.

Paradoxically, the easiest way to know if you're suffering from sexual anorexia is if you're eating too much. You're using food as a substitute for sex. I gained a lot of weight because of it.

Because I, like so many, have been hurt in the past by a failed marriage, abandonment, etc., I first used my celibacy to become a hermit. I went to work and cared for my children, but my mind and heart were lightyears away. This form of sexual anorexia created a tightness, a dryness within me. All my sassiness just disappeared. I became a serious mother and provider of my household. I tried to be a virtuous role model for my children. My hemlines dropped below my knees.

But I wasn't happy, and I definitely felt starved. My womanliness was skeletal. Over time, however, sensual celibacy, my music and writing passions, and especially my Christian walk have filled me up so much that I don't feel like I'm dying inside anymore.

A lack of trust for the opposite sex and my own ability to choose wisely may have created some anorexia in my celibacy practice. A male friend and I talked about this at length, and I had to admit that because I haven't trusted myself to be a good judge of character when it comes to men, I have used celibacy to make my decisions for me. This has been subtle and largely unconscious. My friend suggested that I learn how to "discern the spirit of the man," meaning my spirituality, not celibacy, should be used to judge character.

He also suggested doing due diligence: check out the man's past, his family, his friends, etc. Don't just rely on his sweet words and winning ways.

He's right, but let me tell you: telling a man that you want to be celibate for now, for awhile, until marriage, whatever, will quickly reveal his true heart and intentions.

Obviously, I'm still working through this one. As I get more insights, I'll post. Would love to hear your thoughts as well.

Making up for lost time

2007-04-04T15:41:00.000-07:00

Alien abductees say they lose time because of their wierd experiences. Ever since I made the decision to give up sex until marriage, I've experienced the opposite: I've gained time -- lots of it.

What do alien abductees and women practicing celibacy have in common? (I know this is a stretch, but hang with me for a minute.)

We both are deemed strange and unbelievable by society.

When you tell a friend that you haven't had sex for a year or more, she'll probably look at you with very large eyes and say, "Really? Unbelievable!" It's the same response an alien abductee receives to her own full disclosure.

Here's where we depart company, however. Alien abductees say they have no control over what happens to them. (Can you tell I watch way too much sci fi?) Thankfully, this isn't the case with those of us practicing celibacy, especially sensual celibacy. We make a decision to begin a term of celibacy, and we make a decision to end it. This helps prevent accidental sex ("I don't know how it happened." "It just happened!" "See, what had happened wuz...").

The issue of dealing with found time is a real one for women practicing celibacy. Interestingly, during the first days and weeks after a breakup, you'll find that you suddenly have a ton of time on your hands. How do we fill this newly found time? We might call our girlfriends day and night, rebound with guys we don't know or really want, or we might become total hermits (that would be me).

Once you get through that traumatic period, then the reality of your life, good or bad, becomes glaringly obvious to you. If you were smart during your relationship, you didn't give up your interests for the man. If you gave up your interests and put your life on hold because the sex was SO GOOD it clouded your cognitive powers, then you've got some soul searching to do.

I've learned that relationships with a high lust quotient can confuse our sense of time. When we are consumed by passion, we no longer have enough time in the day to get things done. Important tasks fall by the wayside. And then boom! he's gone and you suddenly have a load of time to fill.

My advice is to resist the urge to fill found time with other men. Use this precious time to focus on yourself. What did you give up while you were with him? Honestly, did you neglect your kids, close friends, and other responsibilities? You may need to mend some relationships.

Chicago high schools require students to complete a certain number of volunteering hours in order to graduate. I think this is a wonderful idea for newly single women. It will take some of the edge off of your desperation when you see how worse off others are.

I spent those first few months after the breakup that led to my celibacy practice in therapy, and it was the best thing I could have done. I learned tons about myself, including why I had made such poor choices in the past. I also started writing like my life depended on it, and I've never looked back.

Sometimes I think the reason why women rebound during this period is because they feel ashamed that they don't have a man. Society still does a job on women who are going solo.

There's no need to feel shame or humiliation. This is just a season in your life. Use it wisely because if you don't get it right this time, you'll keep going through the same heartaches over and over again. And you don't want that, now, do you?

'Celibate Gets His Groove On'

2007-03-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

Check out this interesting article about a man who'd been celibate for 3 years, only to give it up for a one-night stand. What do you think about that? (Don't get me started...)

Had it with the sex lives of celebrities?

2007-03-31T09:49:00.000-07:00

Here's an interesting article in USAToday.com about celibacy, virginity, and celebrity titled "Celibate celebs: some aren't promiscuous." Check it out!

'Man's worst nightmare' -- Playboy

2007-03-31T09:06:00.000-07:00

Several years ago, Playboy magazine reviewed my book, Sensual Celibacy, along with A Return to Modesty by Wendy Shalit and Cult of the Born Again Virgin by Wendy Keller. The writer declared that our books were a "man's worst nightmare." The review was written tongue-in-cheek, but it begs the question, is celibacy really men's worst nightmare?

For some men, yes it is; for others, no it isn't.

Let's say you're beginning to date, and you want to stick to your celibacy commitment. What can you expect in the meet market out there? Here's how I categorized men's various possible reactions to your declaration in Sensual Celibacy:

1. The See Ya Man. The moment you say no to sex is the moment he excuses himself from the table and bolts for the door. This man is frankly interested in sexual relationships, and that's his prerogative. Just be thankful that he had the decency to leave right away.

2. Casanova. Tell this man no to sex, and suddenly, you're the object of his most ardent attentions. You'll receive flowers, cards, and daily calls. If he's rich you might even get a blue box from Tiffany's. This guy's a real charmer, and if you don't keep your wits about you, you could fall hard. Casanovas are masters at identifying and playing women's sexual triggers....Trust your gut. If the guy seems too good to be true, he probably is.

3. The Scholar. Now here's a man worth considering. The Scholar has never seriously thought about celibacy in the past because he never had to. But now that you've brought it up, he's intrigued. And if he's interested in you, he could be convinced to share your celibacy experience....Don't be surprised, however, if he tries, from time to time, to get you to change your mind. Stand firm until you are ready to have sex with him.

4. The Renaissance Man. This man is a rare and precious jewel. The Renaissance Man is already a believer in, and maybe even a practitioner of, celibacy. There aren't many of him around, but this type of man does exist. I even talked to a couple of them for this chapter. They have strongly held convictions about honoring their bodies and the women they become involved with. One man I spoke to was a committed Ten Commandments Celibate. As you become stronger in your convictions about your celibacy practice, you'll be amazed at the quality of people who will cross your path. Don't be surprised if you begin to meet Renaissance Men. If you have the good fortune to become romantically involved with one, you start out with trust on certain issues, like fidelity. This guy is big on friendship and getting to know each other first, rather than trying to achieve instant intimacy through sex--and that's refreshing....The shadow side of the Renaissance Man is that he may be hard to get close to. He may be judgmental and intolerant of your sexual history. He may or may not be practicing a self-loving approach to celibacy, in which case you might want to run. If he is celibate because of religious reasons, then his practice may be colored by a lot of dogma. You'll have to decide whether you can handle that or not. If you really like this man, however, give him a chance.

The case for 'saving yourself' until marriage

2007-03-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

Now that we're so enlightened and liberated, 'saving yourself until marriage' seems such a quaint phrase, even amusing. But I'd like to make the case for waiting until marriage to have sex. Or at the very least, I'll present to you my own rationales, and you see what you think.

This issue arises for me because last night, I got yet another call from a man who's been pursuing me sexually for a LONG time. I mean years. It's gotten to be a joke between us, but every once in a while he's serious. I tell him the same thing I've been saying since I met him: not until marriage. I've played no games with him, and I've been very consistent, which he admits.

Last night he jokingly proposed drawing up a contract that promised I wouldn't be hurt if we had sex. I told him there's already a contract out there and it's called a marriage certificate (not that you can't get hurt, but it was a good punchline).

During the beginning of my celibacy practice, I toyed with the idea of having sex before marriage. Just as long as the guy was good and faithful to me, that could be enough.

But that's not enough. I want everything. If I've got to wait this long, I want it all. That's rationale #1.

Rationale #2: The couple of times I jumped off the celibacy wagon, I had to climb right back on. Why? Because I'm not always the best judge of character. I can still be swayed by a handsome face, nice body, and slick words. But if a man actually marries me after going through celibacy with me, going to church with me, dealing with my kids, allowing me fully into his life, and submitting to the 3rd degree from my family, then I'll have a keeper. The man who can endure all that would be pretty special. I'll admit, this kind of a good man is hard to find (though some women tell me, not impossible). So celibacy provides a self-imposed boundary for me that helps me accept nothing less than what I want.

Rationale #3: Protection. I know the divorce rate is high because of infidelity, but I'd like to believe it's still possible to have love, devotion, passionate sex, and monogamy in a marriage. That's what I'm going for. For me, having sex outside of marriage is too risky to the heart. A dear friend has been crying her eyes out day and night because a 4-year relationship wasn't what she thought it was. Yes, betrayal can and does occur in marriage, but at least, if you've played your prenup right, you can take the scum to the cleaners. Without marriage, you have no recourse but to key his car.

Rationale #4: Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? Yes, it's 2007, but men still believe this mess. We women want things to be different, which is why there's so much 'hooking up' and 'kicking it' going on. But wishing don't make it so. In this day of AIDS and STDs and unplanned pregnancies, this is foolish behavior for women. There's no free milk here!

Dating Bill of Rights and Responsibilities

2007-03-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

Here's an oldie but goodie from Sensual Celibacy (pp. 156-162):

Dating Bill of Rights and Responsibilities
1. Every woman has the right to pursue love, liberty, and happiness.
2. Every woman has the right to say no to sex if she’s not ready.
3. Every woman practicing celibacy must have the courage of her convictions.
4. Every woman must have a strong sense of her own boundaries.
5. Every woman must respect a man’s decision to move on if he doesn’t want to abstain from sex.
6. Every woman has the right to forgiveness if she falls off the wagon.
7. Every woman has the right to date as many men as she can manage.
8. Every woman has the duty to continue her self-improvement program whether or not she is in a relationship with a man.

These rights and responsibilities are good for anyone who's dating. Refer to them often. They can cut down on a whole lot of drama!

Men in luuuuv (ooo weee!)

2007-03-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

I love this quote from David Zinczenko, columnist for MensHealth.com.

"When a man falls for a woman, he falls hard. Men love to be in love. While men often get stereotyped as single-minded sex-seekers, the truth is that a man's stomach churns like a slushy machine when he's in those initial stages of the perfect relationship.

"When you consider that half of men say that they're currently not with their soul mates, that means a heck of a lot of slushy machines are waiting to be turned on. What are they waiting for? What makes a man fall in love? After you rule out the obvious intangible laws of chemistry, attraction, and being in the right place at the right time that kick-start many a relationship, I think the question really becomes this: What makes a man fall -- and stay -- in love?

"About 60 percent of men deem friendship the most important thing in a relationship (sex comes in at a skimpy 8 percent, according to a national Harris Interactive poll)."

As we say in SC, "abstinence makes the heart grow stronger." Think about it!

Pamela Anderson, sensible single mom???

2007-03-21T06:04:00.000-07:00

"Like any other single mom I've tried to create a healthy example for my kids always...I have faith that we're heading in the right direction. I'm really not interested in bringing any men into our lives."--Pamela Anderson (www.eonline.com)

One of my more controversial opinions is that when a single parent's sexual relationship comes into conflict with her children's needs, the relationship should be sacrificed until she can get it together. Some possible conflicts are:

1. Your man demands too much of your time.
2. You're always anxious because you don't know what he's doing when he's not with you, leaving you few emotional reserves to deal with your children's needs.
3. You're having unprotected sex, putting your health (and life) at risk. You're also risking an unwanted pregnancy.
4. Although you're attracted to the guy, you don't really know a lot about him -- yet you're bringing him around your children, putting them at risk.

Single parents deserve love just as much as anyone else, but your children need you more.

I'm not saying that you should never accept love into your life. If you're ready, go for it, just not at the expense of your children.

Understand that your children are watching you. They're watching how you conduct yourself with the man in your life. If you're in a loving, monogamous relationship that could lead to marriage or at least a strong commitment -- and your man is good with the kids -- then you have a keeper. My issue is with women who allow their sexual needs to come before their responsibilities to their kids. Enough said.

Sexual triggers in the springtime

2007-03-11T07:44:00.000-07:00

As the snow begins to thaw here in the Midwest, my thoughts turn like clockwork to men. Both of my children were conceived during the spring. There's something about that first warm breeze after months of snow and ice that makes me want to run wild. Celibacy be damned!

After a few springtimes of going solo I still have the crazy feelings, but now I can just smile wisely at them. My senses are still heightened when a man holds a door open for me or tells me I'm beautiful or smart, but now I just say thanks rather than having accidental sex with someone I don't know.

What turns you on? Do you have any idea?

Sticking to your sensual celibacy commitment ESPECIALLY when you don't want to is great because you learn so much about yourself. If you're anything like me and had a man around, you wouldn't be thinking about self-discovery because you'd be too busy, well, getting busy.

Right now, some man is strategizing on ways to get you into bed. This is how men get to know us better than we sometimes know ourselves. Man's sexual pursuit of us is not a negative. In fact, it can be very nice. After all, God told him to be fruitful and multiply. He's under a divine mandate to populate.

Men need us to help them direct that powerful urge. That means assessing your options carefully via alone time, dating, and communication -- and saying no when the time is not right.

The first time I assessed all the possible ways I could get turned on, I was surprised. They had been dictating my behavior at the subconscious level for a long time. I had sensed the triggers but I hadn't been fully aware of them.

Who knows how these triggers are developed? Probably nature and nuture. The point is, get to know what they are so that the next time a man tells you, "Ooo baby, you sure are fine," you can admit the truth of that statement, then keep on stepping.

Hooking up: a symptom of sadness

2007-03-09T07:16:00.000-08:00

Hooking up for women isn't just a bad idea; it's a symptom of a deep inner sadness.

Several years ago, a friend of mine told me something that rocked my world. Before taking me into her confidence, her eyes darted around the room as if to make sure no one was listening. Her tone was hushed.

She said that during the last month, she had slept with a different guy every night.

That was around 15-20 years ago, but I have never forgotten the desperate look in her eyes. She talked to me because she knew I would try my best to not judge her. Who am I to judge anyone? Lord knows I've done my share of desperate behaviors.

So I didn't say much. Just gave her my full attention. She said she wanted to see if she could do it. Seducing all those men gave her a sense of power. And then she said what so many women say after a season (or a life-time) of hooking up:

"I regret it."

If you or a sista you know is engaged in this behavior, consider taking a vacation from sex for a short period of time--say, a month, even a week. I'm not a psychologist, but I do know that as you're withdrawing from an addiction (and hooking up may be just that) for even a short period of time, all kinds of troubling thoughts, memories, emotions, and physical feelings will arise. That's the purpose of the addiction: to help you escape from the things that are bothering you.

The problem with addictions is that they spiral you down into deeper layers of depression and dangerous behavior.

Taking a vacation from sex may be the most courageous thing you've ever done. You'll probably need support or counseling. During this time, don't go it alone. Get help--not from your peers who are also engaged in this behavior. They'll draw you back into the game. Talk to a counselor with expertise in this area.

Beyond cold showers

2007-03-08T06:25:00.000-08:00

Abstaining from sex for awhile doesn't mean that horniness will disappear. In fact, desire can become stronger. So what's a lusty woman to do?

I would love to hear your tips for keeping your sanity during hormonal surges. One of my favorites from SC is the isometric thigh exercise (a.k.a. "keeping your legs closed"). Any time you feel like you want to jump off the celibacy wagon, do the following:
1. Sit in a comfortable chair, legs slightly apart, feet flat on the floor with determination. If you're in bed, you can also lie on your back.
2. Inhale deeply.
3. Tighten the big muscles in your thighs.
4. Now slowly, close your legs while keeping your thigh muscles tight.
5. Exhale luxuriously to 10 counts while holding your legs together.
6. Relax.
7. Repeat as many times as necessary.

This is a great exercise. Not only are you keeping your legs closed to prevent penile penetration (smile), you're toning your thighs in the process!

'Hooking up': a really bad idea

2007-03-05T10:37:00.000-08:00

The NBC Today Show asked the question, "Can 'hooking up' lead to love?"

Hooking up is defined as having casual sex with no love, no emotional attachment. During the segment, young college women who were interviewed said things like:

"Men do it. Why can't I with no shame or stigma?"

"Hooking up puts me in control of the situation." (Yeah, and if you keep your legs closed, how much more in control of your life will you be?)

"Hooking up validates a woman's attractiveness and sexiness."

Clearly, this movement can come to no good. Any time you need someone else to validate your worth, you're a psychological disaster waiting to happen. You make really bad decisions when you don't know for yourself that you're beautiful and sexy--and that your self-worth is not completely based on your external attributes.

Laura Sessions Stepp, author of Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both, said the 1960s free love movement was part of a greater political movement. Not that it was right, but LOVE was still part of the romantic equation. Hooking up, on the other hand, is only about sex without the commitment.

How unfulfilling is that!

As I listened to the women speak, I suspected the motivations of all those who act like hooking up is so much fun. Women who regularly have uncommitted sex are often acting out of left-over pain from past relationships (among other things).

In fact, one woman said that women who hook up are afraid of relationships. They don't trust men. Or they may not have time for relationships because of their focus on education or career.

Bull! I didn't buy it when men said that crap, and I don't believe it now. Hooking up sounds like revenge sex to me. Men are notorious for being afraid to commit, and now women are saying, "Me too!" Men love to say they want to focus on their career, and now women are saying, "Me too!"

Speaking of men, I believe they need us to stay the course of love, relationship, marriage, and family. They don't need us acting like them. Half the time they don't even want to act like them. They need us to give them direction and balance in matters of the heart. Over the years I've heard so many men say that even though they can have sex with no love or emotional attachment, they much prefer sex with women they love. It's much more deeply satisfying. Also, studies report that men who marry are healthier in the long-run than men who simply hook up.

I'm going to stick my neck out and make a prediction: women who have the courage to say no to hooking up will stand a better chance of attracting quality men for love, romance, relationships, marriage, and family.

After all, isn't that what we really want?

Hooking up is self-destructive behavior. Young women who sleep around with men they barely know will end up regretting it. Ask women in their late 30s and 40s who hooked up during their 20s how they feel now. Many will tell you there's no substitute for sex within the context of love and companionship. They regret they waited so long to see the light.

LOVE is the real deal. Laura Sessions Stepp suggested that parents talk about sex within the context of LOVE to their children. I couldn't agree more.

If love hasn't come along yet, then wait to have sex. Waiting is not going to kill you. People think they will die or explode if they don't have sex. You won't die. In fact, abstaining from sex with people you don't know may end up saving your life. Think about it.

Thought for the day

2007-03-01T19:55:00.000-08:00

This was my day to receive email jokes:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Keeping everything in perspective

2007-03-01T18:23:00.000-08:00

My sister sent me this email, so I guess it's making the rounds. Too cute:

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:
Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Lord is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life. Of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1-2

Brain freeze

2007-02-27T13:52:00.000-08:00

"Celibacy is hereditary. If your parents didn't have sex, chances are you won't have sex." Anonymous

Booty calls

2007-02-27T09:47:00.001-08:00

Don't get suckered by the booty calls!

There's something about the moon rising on another day that's so relaxing. This is the time when we put the kids to bed and relax. In this calm state of being, there's no reason for your guard to be up. So inhibitions are lowered and we're open to feel and think the secret and most honest things of the heart. In this state we are at our most vulnerable.

And then he calls, with that deep, sexy voice of his. It's late. You just took a relaxing bath, and now you're all warm and toasty under the covers. The conversation goes something like this:

"Hey, babe, how you doin? Haven't heard from you in awhile."

"I'm doing okay. What's up?" you say, trying to act nonchelant, trying not to smile.

"Just thinking about you. What you wearing?"

STOP!! THIS IS ABOUT TO BE A BOOTY CALL!!

Don't ever say I didn't warn you. SC is not only about abstaining from sex at a time and duration of your choosing, it's also about being aware of the many ways you can be seduced out of your commitment.

In SC, I introduce the idea of the "sexual trigger." A sexual trigger is anything that makes you want to do the wild thang. A man's walk, his talk, his dress. Music, cologne, fine dining, dancing, flowers. It can be anything. Sexual triggers usually operate on the level of the subconscious, which is why so many people have accidental sex ("I don't know what happened, it just happened! See, what had happened was...").

Use this precious time alone to discover yourself. Identify your sexual triggers. Have fun with this exercise, but also become conscious and aware about the hundred and one things that have the power to turn you on.

Information is power. As you become aware of your sexual triggers, red flags should go up when you're being strategically seduced. You will probably continue to feel stimulated, and that's okay. You're not a stone. But now you can say "no thanks" and keep on stepping.

Lingerie and celibacy

2007-02-22T06:22:00.000-08:00

If you're committed to having it all, then the wait in between relationships can sometimes take awhile. It is so important to remember that you're a vivacious woman (I'm preaching to myself here) with or without a man. That part of you never stops.

With no man around to motivate you, though, it's easy to slip into sweat suits and forget to put on make-up.

You've got to feel girly and lovely for you. Sensual celibacy is about self-confidence, self-love, and self-acceptance.

Here's an exercise that's absolutely critical to practicing celibacy with sensuality. The next time you get a little extra money, go buy yourself some sexy lingerie. A silky teddy or sexy panty and bra set underneath your clothes will help remind you just what the stakes are. And the stakes are high. Never again give yourself away to someone who doesn't cherish you and love you. Never apologize for demanding the best that love and life have to offer.

Media pedophilia & psychomedia perpetrator disorder

2007-02-20T11:40:00.000-08:00

The American Psychological Association released a report yesterday that analyzed 300 studies over the past 18 months dealing with media's packaging of girls as sex objects. Over the next few days I'm going to review the findings and report back to you.

First, let me explain today's headline. Media pedophilia is the low down, lecherous use of girls as sexual commodities. Media is that sociopathic pimp that packages and markets highly inappropriate sexual images of girls to viewers, consumers, and the girls themselves. The sexy girl is so ubiquitous in media we now think she's normal. So do our girls.

Psychomedia perpetrator disorder is a term created by Alfred "Coach" Powell, author of Hip Hop Hypocrisy: When Lies Sound Like the Truth. It means "media copycatting" or imitating behaviors promoted in media. Media pedophilia and psychomedia perpetrator disorder go hand in hand. Hip Hop Hypocrisy exposes the devasting impact of 'gangsta' rap on youth development, academic performance, and behavior. I edited and co-wrote Coach Powell's disturbing manifesto, and I must admit, it kept me up at nights, thinking about the world that my daughter and nieces will have to negotiate.

When my own book, Sensual Celibacy, first came out in 1999, the reception was lukewarm. Reviews were positive, but my target audience, single women, had mixed feelings about the issue. In fact, unless they were of faith, they really didn't want to discuss it. Naively, I was shocked.

Whenever and wherever I spoke, women unleashed their anxiety, anger, depression, and irritation on me because I had the nerve to suggest that if you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to keep getting the same result (definition of insanity). A message board suggested that something was wrong with me for practicing celibacy. I agree! I was miserable in "relationships" that were going nowhere but to bed.

Looking back I realize my sistas were mad but not necessarily at me. I was just the messenger, and you know what happens to the messenger. The celibacy message is hard to take because it puts responsibility for your love life in your own hands. Can't blame the man anymore.

Interestingly, the group that really hungers for guidance is teen girls. Whenever I speak to girls about relationships, celibacy, and virginity, I have a rapt audience. ESPECIALLY if they've had sex!

From what sexually active girls tell me, and the studies are providing evidence, they regret having had sex. Yet, nowhere in the media will you see commercials or sitcom characters express this sad revelation.

If adults find sexual responsibility a challenge, why would we think our girls (and boys) would know what to do with their raging hormones? It's up to us to teach them and protect them from harmful images and themes. If we don't, we'll have only ourselves to blame for losing an entire generation.

How to stay positive during a trip to the welfare office

2007-02-17T11:57:00.000-08:00

Sistas, poverty is a bitch. Being broke and in debt are close behind. As a self-employed writer/editor, I've seen both. (Not for too much longer, thank you God.)

From time to time I have to make the trek to Human Services to deal with my medical benefit. Even though it's not as chic as, say, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, it has helped me tremendously with a past surgery and medicine. So I'm thankful for it.

Yesterday I went to take care of some business. Usually I keep my head in a book until my name is called, but instead I decided to do some people watching.

One woman's cell phone went off and the security guard barked, "No talking on cell phones!"

A gentleman ate sweets and candy while standing in line. He moaned and groaned with every bite. He offered an elderly man some of his food, and the 2 ate and moaned with pleasure.

A young mother took her 2 young children to the rest room. The boy was screaming for attention.

A staff member came into the building and said "Good morning" to everyone, clients included.

A client around my age came in, hobbling on a cane. She seemed to be in a lot of pain. The first person in line let her go in front.

There was a lot of noise in the area behind closed doors, a lot of talking and laughing. It made you wonder if any work was getting done while we waited and waited. A client kept saying, "Tell them to be quiet back there. Get to work!" Then she turned around to me and apologized. "It's just that they were so loud," she said.

How do you stay positive amidst all this humanity? How did some Jews survive the camps with their sanity in tact? How were some African slaves able to smile and love during horrendous conditions?

How do we, as single, trying-to-be celibate women, keep the loneliness at bay?

There are millions of nightmare scenarios that can boil down to just one question: how do we stay positive in the midst of the storm?

We make a decision to stay positive, and then we take one positive action. This will make you strong and you'll feel so much better about your circumstances.

For example, after I left the welfare office, I went home and did some writing. Did more research on my business activities.

Your greatest leaps forward will be made in the midst of life's greatest challenges -- IF you can remember to not give into hopelessness and IF you take one positive action. Make this a habit.

Every time you take one positive action in the midst of a negative situation, you literally propel yourself into the future that you desire.

V-Day dedication

2007-02-14T06:11:00.000-08:00

Today's Valentine's Day posts are dedicated to my sistas who are sacrificing short-term sexual pleasure for long-term love. Be proud of yourselves, because it ain't easy. Just know that it will be SO worth it in the long run.

Helping teens wait

2007-02-14T05:42:00.000-08:00

As parents, we've got to do all we can to help our teens wait for sex. In the spirit of "it takes a village," Bangkok police are helping parents out.

A Reuters article headlined "Thai teens keen for Valentine's Day sex" explores how Bangkok is dealing with their horny youth.

In a poll of 1,578 teenagers by Assumption University, 1/3 of the girls said they'd have sex on Valentine's Day if their boyfriends asked. Another survey of 1,222 teens (University of Thai Chamber of Commerce) found that 11% planned to lose their virginity on V-Day. Only 51% said they would not have sex.

I agree with Bangkok Deputy Police Chief Kamol Kaewsuwan who said, "Love is nice and beautiful, but it does not necessarily involve sexual engagement. Teenagers would do better focusing on school."

I don't agree with his approach to dealing with the problem, however. The kids are under a V-Day 10:00 pm curfew and decency watch. If they break curfew and are seen hugging and kissing, they'll be taken to the police station to wait for their parents to pick them up.

I may be old school, but even I think this is a bit harsh.

Thank God for this week's blizzard and freezing temperatures that are keeping horny Chicago teens at home.

Spring on the runway

2007-02-14T02:52:00.000-08:00

I found the coolest site. New York Magazine provides extensive coverage of the spring 2007 collections, as well as previous seasons. There are articles, videos, blogs, and lots and lots of runway photos. If you've got some time to goof off and if you love fashion, this is a great place to peruse and indulge in fantasies.

http://nymag.com/fashion/fashionshows/
http://nymag.com/fashion/fashionshows/couture/

One of my favorites: Jeremy Scott's fall 2006 fusion of food and fashion are hilarious and refreshingly self-deprecating. It's great to see pizza and french fries on those model bodies instead of my own hips and thighs.

Like mother like daughter?

2007-02-13T08:09:00.000-08:00

A serious generation gap exists between mothers and daughters, especially in the area of sexuality. Baby boomer mothers came of age during the free love era. We explored our sexual powers openly. We thought we could have sex like men—with no emotional consequences.

We discovered the hard way that sex without love, monogamy, and commitment is a disaster waiting to happen. So we try to teach our daughters about being careful and protecting the heart.

Thanks to the slippery slope of free love and today’s pornographic society, our daughters aren’t buying it. Just as we refused to listen to our mothers, they refuse to listen to us. Peers and teen celebrity idols command their attention--the blind leading the blind.

The mixed messages are so confusing. In pop star Fergie’s song “Fergalicious,” she says she’s not promiscuous, but have you seen the video? I guess she just needed a word to rhyme with Fergalicious.

Back in the day, if you dressed explicitly, you were a slut. Today, dressing explicitly is high fashion. For a minute, X-rated rapper Lil’ Kim seemed to be featured in every other issue of Vogue magazine wearing her pasties and little else. This is high fashion? The editors couldn’t find any another young African American celebrity with her clothes on?

GQ anointed gangsta rapper 50 Cent as one of their men of the year. They couldn’t find a celebrity who believed in family and not killing one another?

A pimp used to be a guy who sold prostitutes on the street for money. Today, a pimp is anyone who has sexual power over others. It’s nothing for teens to call each other pimps, bitches, and hos.

Is this just youth culture sowing wild oats? Or have our children been so infected by pornography smeared on their cell phones, iPods, TV ads, music videos, video games, and fashions that we are helplessly witnessing a generation-wide death of the spirit?

Pain-free V Day

2007-02-11T06:42:00.000-08:00

3 days to Valentine's Day and counting. Yesterday I was in a lazy mood, so with remote control in hand, I scanned the networks for something mindless to watch.

Nothing but love stories. I felt myself getting depressed, but then I reminded myself that these stories were Hollywood's version of love. Totally fake.

That realization didn't make me feel better, so I headed toward the kitchen to load up on cookies and milk. Then, just like a Hollywood movie, I was rescued. A friend called and invited me to a pow wow over at his house. I knew everyone there, and as we got to talking about our hopes and dreams for the future, I felt SO much better.

The moral of the story? Being with real people you care about is much more satisfying than sitting in front of the TV and eating to medicate pain.

Love didn’t wait on Dirt

2007-02-10T04:07:00.000-08:00

My latest TV obsession is Dirt, starring Courteney Cox as the ruthless tabloid editor. In this week’s episode, reporters went to a small town to investigate the murder of a high school teenager.

Although this good girl and her boyfriend had made the abstinence pledge at church, turns out she was pregnant when she died. I half expected an immaculate conception theme, but thank God they didn't go there.

Her boyfriend is questioned and he insists she couldn’t have been pregnant. They had only done it, er, where the sun don't shine. Gross. Teens invented the idea of technical virginity. They will have oral sex, anal sex, and everything in between and still call themselves virgins. That’s bull!

Anyway, after I got over the shock of this admission on TV (thank God it wasn’t prime time), it made me think of all the ways women try to shortcut their celibacy.

We want to know what we can and can’t do. Whenever I’m asked what’s allowable during celibacy, I start getting very suspicious. This is a woman who wants to have her celibacy cake and eat it too. Not the best metaphor but hopefully you get the point.

Being sexual on a date is dangerous to your celibacy commitment and unfair to the man. No matter if you’ve told him of your decision to abstain from sex, he’s not going to believe it if you’re rubbing up against him and ooo’ing and ahh’ing. Think he’s going to stop when you say “now stop?” (If you can find the strength to say it, that is.)

In SC, I present what I call the Passionmeter. It helps you see how innocent behaviors can build up and lead to falling off the wagon.

talking → holding hands → eye gazing → sweet talk → kissing → tongue kissing → dancing → grinding → clothes coming off → clothes off → doing the deed (p. 159)

Sistas, you’re not made of stone so don’t lie to yourself that you can engage in sex play but not have sex. If you’re truly committed to abstaining from sex for awhile, then protect yourself, and I’m not talking condoms (although, just in case, have a few around). Don’t do the things or put yourself in situations that will inevitably lead to accidental sex (“I don’t know how it happened, it just happened!”).

Crazy studies for singles

2007-02-09T05:41:00.000-08:00

A couple of new studies to report.

The first seems like a rerun of past research into pheromones and sexual arousal. (Remember when they were putting pheromones in perfume? Maybe they still are?)

The recent study found that there are pheromones in male sweat and they cause women to get tingly.

When I used to go to the health club, I stared at men a lot. Little did I know it was their sweat turning me on. I thought it was grossing me out.

So put sweaty gyms on your list of sexual triggers. Stay away! Beware!

Study #2 is way more interesting and a joke for those of us who've been single for awhile. Question: Would you give up 15 months of sex in exchange for a full closet of new clothes?

All I've got to say is point me to Nordstrom's! Then in 15 months, I'll have new, pretty clothes to go out on dates in.

(If I find the sources of these studies I'll give full attribution.)

Mixed messages

2007-02-09T03:27:00.000-08:00

Several years ago, Toni Braxton appeared on the cover of Vibe magazine near butt naked. She claimed she wasn’t going to have sex until marriage. Many found this claim hard to believe considering that she was, well, butt naked.

Britney Spears claimed she was a virgin, and she was with Mr. Sexy Back when she said it. Justin outted her and told the world that Britney wasn’t a virgin and that he should know! Oddly, the more she claimed virginity the more clothes she took off. What’s up with that?

I actually sent Britney a copy of Sensual Celibacy, but I never heard from her. As Britney events have unfolded over the years, I realize she never read my book. If she had practiced even a couple of the abstinence strengthening strategies presented in SC she might have avoided marriage to Kevin. Oh well. I tried to help the girl!

Even Paris Hilton says she’s going without sex for a year. Then what? Nail every guy who comes to town?

Do we believe these overtly sexual women? Can you wear your sexiness on your sleeve and still claim to be practicing celibacy?

Technically yes. My definition of celibacy is “abstention from sexual intercourse” (SC, p. 19). Beyond that technicality, however, there’s a deeper emotional commitment that goes with being alone for awhile. This involves withdrawing from as many things as possible that trigger uncontrollable sexual desire and dangerous situations that make you vulnerable.

Can you still party (sexual dancing, crunking) and drink Cristal (removal of inhibitions) and stay strong in your commitment? Just something to think about…

Abstain and bring sexy back?

2007-02-08T05:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I talked about flooding your senses with beautiful music. Today I’m remembering how much I LOVE Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake. (Although I hate that part about the shackles and being a slave and whipping. Okay, I try to not listen to the words, which is why I end up listening to instrumental music most of the time.)

The point of today’s post is that sometimes we need to remember that we’re still sexy and sexual even though we’re not with our soul mates at the moment.

Beware: A song like Sexy Back is only for advanced abstainers! By advanced, I don’t necessarily mean how long you haven’t had sex but how strong you feel in your decision to abstain. You know you’re strong if you feel aroused but are not inclined to do something crazy about it. NOW you’re probably ready to start dating and flirting again.

If you’ve just made the decision to abstain from sex for awhile or if you’re feeling extremely vulnerable right now, change the station when Sexy Back comes on.

But if you’re feeling okay, turn it on, turn it up, sing along, and dance ‘til your feet hurt!

Music for the soul

2007-02-07T06:48:00.000-08:00

Sensual Celibacy is all about flooding the senses with so much joy and ecstacy that you don't have time to whine and cry about not having a man. For bringing beautiful music back into my life, I must thank the talented girls of SugarStrings (www.sugarstrings.com): my daughter, Ayanna (14, cello), and my nieces Mira (9, viola/violin) and Adé (9, violin).

Music can help you stay sane while you're going it alone. Just make sure you're listening to music that uplifts you and doesn't constantly remind you that you're by yourself. Pop music is probably the worse type of music to listen to while you're single. It's designed to stimulate sexual feelings. In our situation, that's the worse possible thing. It can take you off your plan if you listen to too much of it.

It can be difficult to withdraw from certain types of music. I say withdraw because you can become addicted to music. I told a friend once who was having a hard time being single that she should stop listening to slow jams. If she could have, she would have hit me. She said, "Don't ask me to give up my slow jams." Well, then, you're always going to be stimulated and longing for something you don't have right now.

I would even go so far to say that you could get so stimulated that you might end up making some bad decisions, like having one night stands and accidental sex (the "I don't know how it happened" kind).

My daughter and I constantly talk about her favorite rap tunes because they are full of gratuitous sex. There's nothing in that music that promotes healthy relationships, love, marriage, or monogamy. In fact, it's just the opposite.

I listen to a lot of instrumental music--jazz, classical, and Old School because I don't want music to talk to me about having sex when I ain't getting none (you know what I mean?). Remember Barry White and the Love Unlimited Orchestra? Pop groups don't make instrumental tunes anymore. How come?

My latest musical passion is for a classical concerto by Brahms: the Piano Quintet in F minor, Op. 34 performed by the Berlin Philharmonic Octet (Amazon.com). Although it's in a minor key, it doesn't feel morbid or scary, like the theme from Psycho. It feels majestic. I've listened to this concerto so much that it's now ringing in my ears! But I dare you to listen and not feel uplifted and royal.

This kind of music reminds me that I'm a queen and just because I'm not with a man doesn't mean that I can't enjoy life to the fullest. If your music doesn't make you feel that way, maybe you should change your tunes!

Goal setting during the fast

2007-02-06T09:38:00.000-08:00

A vacation from sex is a great time to do some goal setting, life planning, and following through. After all, there's no one around to stop you, is there?

How do you want to live your life? Don't go small here. Dream big.

Can I make a suggestion here: try not to focus so much on the man thing. Get yourself together first.

Next, write down your goals. Write activities for accomplishing those goals and then a reasonable timeline for completion.

That's it. If you've got a long list of goals, you might want to pick the top one or two so that you can focus on getting the activities done. You don't want to spread your energies too thin.

Let me know how your 'vacation' is going!

Warmth for the single soul

2007-02-05T07:14:00.000-08:00

Global warming is in hibernation here in the Midwest. It's FREEZING outside today. There's something about cold weather that makes you want to snuggle up with another warm body. If you're single, you may not have that option. I hate to point you to food again, but wrap yourself in your favorite blanky and sip a cup of hot chocolate. Not only will only will the liquid warm your bones, you'll get your chocolate fix as well!

Orango Island, women propose marriage with fish dinner

2007-02-03T10:29:00.000-08:00

I have the answer to all of our male-female relationship problems. The people of Orango Island off the western coast of Africa believe that love comes to the woman first, so it only makes sense for the woman to propose marriage to the man. Instead of a diamond ring, the woman lays a plate of fish before her intended. Eating the fish means he accepts the proposal, and immediately he falls in love with the woman. With this system, divorce is almost unheard of.

Isn't that beautiful?

Some young men, seeking work off the island, returned with the stupid idea of proposing to the woman. Missionaries are telling young women to wait for a man to propose. As a result, divorces are now occuring at a higher rate.

Instead of western ideas turning their world upside down, they should be teaching us the ways of love. With our divorce rate at 50%, we have a lot to learn.

Sweet sleep

2007-02-01T07:51:00.000-08:00

One of the nicest things you can do for yourself is get a good night's sleep. I've noticed that if I don't get enough sleep, I eat more. I guess that's my body's attempt to get more energy. Lately I've been existing on about 4 hours sleep a night, but last night my body rebelled. I slept so hard and so long that I woke up late. But I sure felt better for it.

Yummy

2007-01-31T06:38:00.000-08:00

I've gotta tell you about my latest taste sensation. When you’re not in a relationship it's easy to gain weight, but who can resist Dove’s dark chocolate covered almonds? Dark chocolate and almonds are good for us, but all I really care about is that they taste soooo good.

A pair of what?

2007-01-31T06:35:00.000-08:00

I don’t like it when women are told they should grow a pair, as if we should be more like men or that only men have courage.

Making a decision to abstain from sex when there’s no monogamous, committed relationship in sight is one of the most courageous things a woman can do for herself. Women may have more options in life, but the taboo against aloneness stands firm. I still feel it from time to time when a married friend has to go home to her husband or I stand in the movie line alone.

But I’d rather be alone and at peace than together on the emotional rollercoaster. One day my soul mate may come, but until then, it’s all about moi!

Kate Spade

2007-01-30T18:36:00.000-08:00

My daughter and I went to a Saks Outlet in Woodfield Mall a couple of weeks ago, and there I found the most exquisite, awesomely beautiful pair of black pumps I've ever seen. Kate Spade. They took my breath away.

They were made to perfection, and this is what made them so sensuous. Of course they weren't in my size, but that didn't stop me from picking them up and caressing my check with them. I sighed. Oh, God! They were absolutely gorgeous! No, they weren't sex, but they sure as hell came close.